"Every Now and Then I Fall Apart"

I feel as though I am floating, hovering near the edges of this capsule that holds my spirit. The ties that held it in place seem to be dissolving one by one. It struggles to be free. My mind battles itself, wanting to leave, needing to stay. I latch onto every meaningful moment that passes. I allow myself to swing from each one, silently screaming. I'm swinging over an empty, unpredictable void. An abyss that has no destination. But the importance of a given moment is diminishing. Soon, I believe it may not be enough, perhaps then each tie will be severed. My hand will reach, but it will touch nothing. I will start to fall, crashing through the air, sinking, screaming, but then I will fly. And I wonder would it be wrong if I flew to the frosty glassed windows of children's bedrooms and taught them how to fly away? Because I wish someone had taught me how to fly away, since I cannot find a way. Wrong or not, I never could teach them, because I still haven't learned how. Even if I did know, there is no absolution that I would put the knowledge to use. It would simply be a means of escape. Lately I had believed that even without the knowledge, I would still fly away. Except it would be more floating than flying. I've felt as if my every tie to myself was going to be gone. The feeling is nearly indescribable, but at least I am beginning to grasp the why. The understanding is hitting me slowly, in miniscule ripples instead of brutal waves. Which is good, I'm not sure how much I can be capable of intaking. The confusion at this feeling caused such a fear to rise in me.But now, I'm grasping it all, instead of meaning and understanding slipping through my fingers like sand, it is becoming stable. Slowly, and as impatient as I am, I know the pace is good. The numbness towards you is wearing off, but only slightly. I keep trying to force anger, hate, mistrust, longing, etc towards you. Because I've felt numb, now I realize I was numb because those emotions weren't as present as they have been as of late, not at all. Because slowly, over a long period of time, I have been accepting the truth. I've begun to let go and to accept that you will never be what you should. As for another, I'm letting to of you as well. That isn't all. Perhaps this truly is the metamorphosis. Although, I don't quite see myself becoming some stunningly beautiful butterfly anytime soon. Ha. Anyway. I'm figuring this out, it's shaking me quite a bit. Nothing at all is stable right about now. My reality is an illusion. But I'm coming out of this. Peeling away the layers one by one. My creativity, stability, courage, and strength should be back soon. I just have to learn patience, I'm still hovering at the edges of myself. But perhaps that's more a part of me than I thought. Again, patience. You know, cause I'm so good at that. By the way the beginning of this post is not some creepy, depressing death reference. Not at all, I just realized that's what it sounded like. Sorry. Anyway, good night. I would say I'm ready for this year to be over, but if doesn't that just make an entire year a waste? Yea, we can sit here and see oh I can't wait for this year to be over, I need a new start, I'm reading for a new beginning, but don't wait for new year, and don't blame the past year. Just make every moment as worthwhile as it can be, and accept that a lot of moments are going to be shitty. It happens. Accept the past, make the most of the present, and fight for the future. Yep, I'm done being deep and poetic, I'm gonna go back to watching criminal minds and trying to resist eating a bowl of ice cream. Good Night.

I Never Said Goodybe

We're going tomorrow
Up north,
To the cabin.
It doesn't feel right,
Knowing you won't be there.
Nothing feels right, right now.
I wish I could ask you
For answers
I still can't find,
I feel so alone already
It doesn't help that so many are missing.
And this feeling keeps coming back,
I can't take it much longer,
And I wish I had tried to say
Goodbye,
I tried,
Just not soon enough,
I should've called,
Not ran away.
I couldn't face my past,
And all of you were a part of it,
Except you were one of the best parts
Thank you for being a mother to me
Thank you for having the daughter that you did,
And thank you for bringing us together,
We haven't gone to the same school,
Or lived in the same city
Since third grade,
But you kept us together
And when I ran away,
Grew apart from you,
Your daughter,
And one other,
You brought the trio back together
In your final act.
I ought to remember I'm loved,
I'm not alone,
Far from it,
But that can be so hard to see,
Nothing feels right anymore,
But I'll hold steady,
It's all I can do.
I'm balanced,
Worthy,
Beautiful,
Exceptional,
Captivating,
Trustworthy,
And strong.
And I will believe this,
I won't stop trying until I do.
And when I lose the will,
I'll do it for you,
Even when I become convinced,
You care
Not at all.
Anyway,
Tonight was wonderful.
My bed,
And my warm blankets are waiting for me
Goodnight.
Sleep well.

Where Is This Place?

I'm up again, still can't sleep. I haven't slept in days, not that I normally slept that well...but still. This is different. At least I'm at Paige's. I'm more comfortable here than in my own home sometimes? Is that bad? No, not really. It happens. But I have to go home tomorrow and I don't want to. My room feels so empty these days, though I'm not sure why. It feels as if something has changed. The air that surrounds me isn't the same. It's not warm or inviting, or even breathable. It suffocates me, choking my throat and lungs. The air squeezes around me, I can' move right. It's as if I'm attempting to move through a body of water. But it's not the air, not really. It's my mind. Then again isn't it always one's mind? Every moment, feeling, emotion, action, it's all a perception. No matter what we tell ourselves, everything is in perception. Therefore nothing is constant. And also, if everything's perception, so is language. Which makes you wonder, what's in word? And once you can't define a word, you can't define yourself or your life. Then you can never fully grasp any moment that passes. Then you fall asleep and dream, but once you wake you remember perception. Nothing is constant, nothing is reliable. And so I wonder, how can we truly discern that the life we perceive as reality is truly reality? Could we not simply perceive our dreams as our reality? Who's to say we're wrong? No one can say who's right. Does reality even exist? And if so where, inside or outside of our conscious? Maybe these questions are why I can't sleep. It's a good possibility. Still, I feel like a child again. I spent twenty minutes trying to get Paige to turn the light. Yea we were laughing, joking, the usual. But I was legitimately terrified. I kept seeing shapes and faces and hearing noises. I do all the time. I hide under the covers because I'm so paralyzed with fear I refuse to move. It's even worse now, with this abnormal, inexplicable emptiness in my room. Well, I guess it isn't entirely inexplicable, but what I don't understand is why now? Or perhaps I do. Either way my room is overflowing with emptiness and loneliness. I have no desire to return to it tomorrow.I'm so lost in my own mind. All of my perceptions are off, no moment is reality, and no moment is fantasy. Every moment I live, I'm living, but I'm also daydreaming, and I'm analyzing, and I'm questioning some abstract off topic idea, or I'm going over some future moment in my head. I don't feel like I'm living moments, because I don't feel like I'm in them fully, I'm on so many different levels all at one time. But I'm not disconnected from reality, well maybe I am, but I don't think so. I just don't know where I am. I'm losing the ability to control my thoughts, because I've taken to attempting to halt them. It's not good, but most of the time I'm succeeding. I shouldn't be though. It isn't good for me to do this. I start to become paranoid about people, and I lose my grip. I don't face things. I'll avoid confrontation. I did so good at fighting this part of me off, but ow it's coming back. And what's sad is even these blog posts are aiding me in halting certain thought flows. Another super not healthy way, is to obsessively think over a few things bothering me to convince myself I'm confronting it and blah blah blah. It's not good, my anxiety's all bad again. I'm freaking out constantly. S'not cool. But I have no idea how to stop. How in the hell do I make myself confront things I've buried so deep, I'm able to think about shit that's happened over and over and completely convince myself that I am confronting it and grasping it etc, when I'm not. How do I even dig that far into myself when I've built this wall so strong I can't even see past it, and sometimes I even doubt it's there. I'm that good at convincing myself. So how do I stop? How do I learn to find myself again, confront it all, and the hell over it? Or accept it and move on? This is leaving me way too f*cked up. I can't find the answers, but I'm so close, I just have to make myself stop fighting myself. Sigh, I meant to make this philosophical and meaningful, then it turned into a rant. Oh well. I'm going to get a drink and my book. See if it helps me at all.

I want to be excited for Christmas, but I can't be. Not for any ridiculous depressing reason. I just...it's...blah, I really can't verbalize myself today, Yay for gibberishy ranting blogs. It's just...everything's different ya know? We're older, blah blah blah. I could go on, but I'll start to sound like a broken record. Although really, why should I care bout that? Hmm. It's just, it's not that I'm not excited, it's that it doesn't feel like Christmas. Not at all. Nothing feels like anything. Every moment that happens feels empty, no not empty. Just...different. It's like half of me is somewhere else. Or rather on third of me is there, another third elsewhere, and the last third somewhere else. And nothing feels the same. Everytime I do something, I'm like in a daze. Ugh this sounds more depressing than it should. It's not, it's just, I don't know. I'm a daydreamer, I really am. I think it disconnects me from reality a little bit. Not in some awful unhealthy way. Just in one that leaves me feeling like...ugh I cannot describe this. What is my issue today? I think it's cause I'm starving to death. I want taco bell. Dude I would get sooo fat working on taco bell. Speaking of which I scared myself by using my dad's scale (didn't know it was broken) which told me I'd gained ten pounds in the last two weeks. Yea not true. Haha. Wowwwww I'm a little ADHD today too. Squirrel. Kay back on track. All of this, whatever this is, is leaving my mind very confused. Especially since my mind keeps trying to question the universe, god, life, existence, souls, meaning, everything. I keep stopping it. Reading, distracting myself, creating a story in my head, anything. Cause seriously, I can't just let those thoughts run rampant unless I'm in a car or speaking them aloud to someone. And there are few people I will bestow that torture on. Although, I must say it's quite amusing. Rather like this post. It's ridiculous, awful, grammatically incorrect, and completely lacking in anything of significance cause I'm doing that whole stopping my idiot, curious, manic, insane mind of mine. It's quite frustrating, although very fun. And interesting. And I think I sound really, really schizophrenic right now. Or maybe in the manic phase of bipolar disorder. I should stop now, so I can preserve some teensy inkling of my readers' belief that I'm sane. But seriously, sanity is boring. I want to live, question, fight, scream, dream, create, be melodramatic, be overemotional, and think. A couple hundred years ago, I would've been declared insane, or burned as a witch. Probably the latter. But today, my insanity is one that is actually semi-accepted among some people. And besides, this is how I want to live my life. I'll take to the fullest. I'll fall, fuck up, do everything wrong, go crazy, but I'll learn and grow and experience. Anyway, I should post something that lives up to my actual writing potential sometime soon. I'll think bout it, but for now I NEED food. Oh and check out my tumblr. .realityisanillusion.tumblr.com. As of now it shouldn't have any rants, maybe some meeaningful writings, but mostly cool shit I find online, around me, or create. Well g'nite. Happy Holidays. Cause you shouldn't wish random strangers merry christmas, they might not be christian, although i do know most atheists celebrate the christmas holiday time anyway. So Happy Holidays is more appropriate to me. Wow random. Haha, my attention span is so gone. Kay getting off. Yea. Peace out.

Eclipse of the Mind?

It's almost 2:30, but I can't sleep. And I'm afraid to try because then the thoughts may never stop. I feel bad, I keep waking Paige up. She's probably going to kill me in the morning, if lack of sleep doesn't do the job first. I don't understand this. How can you feel like you should be in a certain place, if that place was never good. What if you hated something. And all you wanted to do was get away. What if you screamed, cried, fought, prayed, everything. And then one day, you finally gained the ability to leave. Wouldn't you want to never go back? If you were completely happy where you were, why would it feel wrong? How come everytime I close my eyes when I'm walking through my neighbourhood, a different a street, a different place, appears behind my closed eye lids? How come everytime I think of christmas, the only place I see it at is that place? Why, if that was the one place I needed to get away from, would I continue remembering it, obsessing over it, dreaming of it, and asking every what-if that could possibly exist? I simply cannot comprehend this. It is an anomaly that I cannot grasp. I explained a philosophy-based marxist theory to a college student today. One she learned about in class, but didn't understand. I knew nothing of it. But I read a few pages, looked at her notes, listened to her, and grasped the fundamental idea of quantity and quality. So why is it, I have absolutely no possible means of understanding the inner workings of my own mind? I keep questioning every idea, every moment, and every thought. Perhaps it would be a beneficial and educational process if it were not driving me to my own personal brink of insanity. I can halt the thoughts, if I try. Most of the time I do. I don't know what would happen if I just sat and let each one flow. I don't believe I want to find out either. I doubt it would end well. Still, I can't help but wonder. And right now, I want more than anything (except perhaps to have these answers) to step outside, free, warm, alone and witness the magnificent beauty of the eclipse. But the clouds have obscured any part of the moon that I could hope to see. So, I am left in here, with all of these thoughts and questions. And though I hate to admit i, I'm left, also, with this inexplicable, ridiculous, and although miniscule, terrible longing. A minor, barely noticeable, hidden, buried desire to return. Because, part of me wishes to correct the mistakes I made, to right the wrongs. My mind tells me I'm different now, I could've stood up, not taken it. I could've fought back. Been stronger. And perhaps another part of me wishes I was there so I could have an excuse. An excuse to explain why I am as weak as I am, even after escaping nearly three years ago. Because, I hate to admit that I stand in a place that has been greatly affected, and still is. I want forget it, leave it, ignore it, be the perfect happy little girl. Not the ticking bomb my father keeps looking at in fear. And it isn't right or fair to anyone else. I shouldn't be like this. I hate it. And when I started writing this, I had no inclination to do any more than save it as a draft. A draft to be kept and never posted. But now, there's a voice in my head that tells me, if someone's reading this, perhaps I can recognize that they've seen worse on here from me, and perhaps it's possible I'll get understanding, and not judgement, or distaste. And so I guess ignore being frustrated with my own self and I'll muster the little courage I have and click publish post. .

Snowflakes reside,

Crystallized teardrops falling

From the sky.

Puffs of white, flowered,

Innocence.

Sun rays piercing,

Revealing hidden motives.

Snowflakes reside.

Go ahead and build it up again This city's just cemeteries and forgotten men

Fallen Angels

Forced to say goodbye

To hazel eyes that

Failed his time.

Riding out on waves of

Consciousness

Blind.

Searching hopelessly in
Unlit corners,
On and on.
Can't find
You.
These hazels eyes are
Useless, now.
Your soul lost to
An everlasting darkness.

Broken martyrs
Forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that
Failed this time
Riding out on waves of
Sacrifice
Blind.
So don't give yourself up just yet.
Don't let them take you.


I've rewritten this like four times, it all started with the first stanza. I like the last one too. I just cannot get this to sound right no matter how hard I try. So I stopped trying. I just found the paper with this written on it. I think it was the fourth try. I let it go. But I keep getting brought back to that first stanza, so I'm going to try again. I should have something today or tomorrow. I hope. Ideas are welcome.

Rise, Rebel, Resist

When did freedom become blasphemy?
When did people lose the ability to see?
This delicate, petaled existence,
Will never lead to a resistance.
So it's time we fight,
And throw words like knives.
We may have started off harmless,
But now they're calling us blasphemous.
But we aren't the liars,
Or the thieves.
We are the martyrs,
The ancient path charters
This is it, let's give them sight.
It's time to join the fight
Say goodbye to those soft-voices,
And scream out, make rebellious choices.
We refuse to say good night.
So instead, we fight.


I'm in a rebellious mood. This was most definitely inspired by the beautiful and talented Otep Shamaya. <3

The snow is swirling down, it hasn't stopped all day. I despise the cold, but watching snow makes me wistful. Little white flakes of innocence descending from the sky. That's snow. Snow is naivety. Childhood. It's loving someone without barriers. It's trusting another person with your own life. It's driving with no destination. It's running free, no thoughts holding you back. It's children playing. It's living carefree. It's life without time measuring every action. It's speaking the truth to everyone. It's standing up for justice. It's...yea, it's symbolic. Maybe we should just leave it that. Now if only I could let all of that in. Why are we always fighting ourselves? Never listening, over-thinking every move? I want to go back. Rewind the clock. Live in a time where I was innocent, naive. What happened to the little girl who had no desire, except to love everyone and have everyone love each other? Where did the moments of carefree bliss go? When did innocence leave, and the knowledge of truth settle in? When did we learn of evil? Can't we just go back to the times when good overcame bad no matter what? And life was simple. Before our families started to fall a part. Before I'd had my heart shattered. Before I'd gotten angry.  It all changed. Now, I'm wandering this world, completely lost. I've lost so many, I've even lost myself a few times. And I just want someone to hold me, because everything's spinning, and I'm starting to lose my ground. I just want someone to tell me I'm important, vital, loved, influential, talented, perhaps even beautiful. But even more, I want to go back to the time where that didn't even matter. But, I'm stuck here, and I don't even know where here is.

Falling Through Nothing

She was so close
The cold air turned her bones to liquid fire
Her mind was spinning,
Beginning to float above
The rest of her
The tears were streaming now
Her breathe was short and ragged
Her eyes saw a different street
A different time
Her mind reminded her just how
Alone
She really is
She clenched the leash in her hand
Feeling as if she stood in a hurricane
It was the only think keeping her
From being blown away
Her legs started to tremble
How easy it would be
To just let them give way
Let her hand release the leash,
 Let her body crash to the ground
The cold had numbed her by now
She stumbled
Barely catching herself
Falling once
How easy it would have been
To rest her head right there,
Sleep for awhile, until they found her
But she got up, took baby steps back
Home
Collapsed to her bed
Regrets of not staying on that ground
Filling her head

Shouting Through Silence

I'm not this crazy, talkative, loud, extroverted person. Not really, I can be loud, obnoxious, and talk 90 words per second. If you know me, then you know that. But sometimes, or most of the time, it exhausts me. I'm drained, and I can't come up with some response, I need breaks from people, from talking, interacting. It doesn't always mean I wanna be left alone, it's just me, being incapable of some things. I get impatient, sometimes I'm rude, other times I say something and sound like an idiot. And I promise I'm not trying to be rude, or stand-offish, or upset, or anything. Sometimes, I just don't have the energy to be any more than a quiet, terrified, anxious, teenage girl. I still want to talk to people, to be involved, to be a part of a group. So actually talk to me, drag me in, make plans, tell me to come on, or do something to pull me in, because I can't always do it myself. If I wanna be left alone, I'll usually tell people, not talking doesn't mean I don't wanna be around you, or I don't wanna talk, or do something. I usually do. Sorry for all that shitty grammar and broken english. I just felt the need to put something on here, but I can't think straight right now, not at all, so I decided to get that little thought out of my head.

Sitting in blissful silence
Drowning in endless nostalgia
The emotions pour out of me like
Raindrops falling from the sky
Occasionally hard, fast
Sometimes, slow, little by little,
And other times not even falling at all
Just hanging there
Waiting until there's too many
Too hold inside
So they spill out over the sides
Like tears falling from the eyes
Of a broken-hearted
Teenaged prom queen
They're all that I'm
Composed of
And no matter what chapter is coming next
I'll attempt to smile through these waves
And I know I won't succeed
Not even the majority of the time
But if I try hard enough,
I know the happiness will come through
Anyway.
Even if the tears fall
At least they can sometimes slide past
A smile
Perhaps bittersweet
But it's still there
That's all that matters
Anyhow

Look at all the pictures here,
And you'll see, dear
The difference between you and I
So perhaps you ought to say goodbye
Because you will never gain
The ability to carelessly dance in the rain
You will never cry
Just to cry
You cannot enjoy running through fields,
Vast, flower-filled fields.
You are not capable of
Endless, unconditional, unassuming love.
And darling, you can no longer see
That life's no guarantee
So even if I'm overemotional and melodramatic
No matter how many times I become problematic
I know it's me, and I'm so much more
Than the rest of this foolish world, anyway.
Because life is made of moments, and once one's gone, there's another in it's place. And I plan  to live each one to it's highest possibility. No matter what. And I plan to shout, scream, laugh, cry, love, and fight. And Every single option in between. Perhaps, I'm extreme, but it's better than living some simple, boring, melancholy, empty life. Shit, we only get one. So do with it, whatever the hell you want. Fuck everybody else. Unless you're me, that is. But either way. In the end it's about you, and it's okay to be selfish. Just don't go run off and kill people or rob banks, and we'll be good.

"I've been down in here before and maybe I could want it more I know I never tried to stop I never try"

It wasn't there.

It's always there.

Always.

So where was it?

Where were you?

Hm?

You abandoned me in the moment

That I need you most

No matter how hard I tried

You simply weren't there.

But the worst part is

I didn't even notice your absence at first.

But I did.

And now I'm concerned. 

I shouldn't have gone to you in the

First place

And this time, you didn't come

Whisper,

Scream,

What's the difference?

What does it mean when you stop feeling it?

I miss posting every day. So I plan to attempt to do so. I refuse to elaborate on this. And you would never, ever, guess what it is about. I promise. It's not obvious, not in any way. I don't even think Paige could figure this one out. Anyway, I should go do something productive. 

We are young and we are strong Through strength in self we become Something more than they can be

I had an urge, a spark, a passion to write. Somewhere in between the words I was reading, and the words that were playing, that need dissipated. I'm somewhere else now, but I haven't quite discerned that location. The colors around me have dulled, and not much can be found here, right now. I feel disconnected, not in a negative manner, simply in one of indifference. I'm sure it's simply in preparation for another extreme shock back into the less than perfect reality of this world. But that's a matter for tomorrow. For tonight, I revel in the words on the screen, the paper, and in the air. For tonight, I'll forget about the scars we hide, the blasphemy they whisper, the screams she tries to cover, the monsters each hides, the manipulative moves we all make. And most importantly, even if just for tonight, I'll forget the existence of this absurd, insignificant, game we create for ourselves. And for tonight, I'll forget about your presence in my mind.

And so here's to peace.

Goodnight my dear.

#30

This is it. I made it to thirty. I'd be proud of myself, if things weren't such a mess at the moment. Either way. I may or may not continue this. Like I fucking know. Anyway.


It's just a whisper
Just a little whisper
Of a bittersweet secret
Not ready to be unleashed
But she's falling apart at the seams,
They're ripping,
Coming undone
It appears that she did not sew them tight enough
And there's no guarantee
She'll be able to sew herself together again
Like she'll need to
Once she's truly alone,
And the whisper becomes a scream.

This doesn't count, I know I just updated, but I need to vent, before I lose it. I suggest not reading this, I'm about to vent, rant, and get overemotional and dramatic again.
I love Thanksgiving, I really do. So why am I like this, why does it hurt so much.I miss you so much. I want my grandmother back, things would be different if you were still alive. Why did you have to leave? Every thanksgiving I think about you, but usually I talk to mom about it. This year I don't even know where she is. Can you help me please, is she safe? Is she okay? And now this. Holidays ruin me. They really do, but I love them. I love holiday season. I love seeing my family, playing with the kids, eating the food, seeing the love, the happiness. But there's so much more than that. I see the hypocrisy, the pretending, the way we act one moment and then different another. I see the lies, the broken ties holding our families. But most of all I see memories. Good and bad. Beautiful and broken. Either one makes me feel the same. I hate it so much. The nostalgia grows so high, I can't contain it. And I feel like I'm floating. I don't what is real and what's an illusion. What is this life anyway? Who are we, what are we? What is any of this anyway? I just can't understand it. And when I look at it that way, why do any of the little things still matter? They shouldn't, but they do. They matter so much. And I'm not sure how long I can handle all this. I'm happy, truly happy right now. So why I am sitting on my floor crying, again? I just don't understand. And I want all of this to go away. I can't even describe all of this in words. I just...don't know. Can someone tell me who I am, because I don't know anymore.

#29

Almost done...wow.

~Goodbye love, goodbye. Glory, one blaze of glory I have to find. Please don't touch me, understand I'm scared, I need to go away~

His scent lingers on her skin,

She can still feel his scalding touch

Her lips linger in the air,

Parted, waiting,

But he's already gone

The moment was not rushed

But it was only a moment,

Just one, in a midst of
Millions.

Yet she can't shake him,

She's trembling, fighting

What now?

Can she let it happen again?

She felt so much she thought she could burst,

Perhaps that's why

And so she asked that question

The one that burned in her mind each time

"Did it mean anything"

"No, nothing. I'm sorry."

It's all she needed to hear.

She doesn't need meaning, she needs feeling

But he was gone before she could say

Goodbye

#28

I can't hear your voice anymore
It's no longer here
Whispering in my ear
So why is it
Every memory is still here?
And why are these memories so completely distorted?
I can't see your face anymore
It no longer exists in my world
So why is it
I see you every day,
Inside my mind?
I don't even know where you are.
And no one is trying to find you
But the hardest part
Is none of us have gone anywhere
You simply must not care
And I can't bring myself to understand
What mother could simply
Walk out on someone,
After years of absences, stealing, lies, broken promises, and
Medicated silences
The wish for you to come back keeps starting to form
So, I remind myself you can't come back to
A world you never existed in

#27

Just saw Harry Potter. I've got a lot to say, but I'm not in the mood. I'm amazed at this, though. I truly grew up on those books. I spent most of my childhood, playing Harry Potter, anxiously awaiting my letter, and itching for the release of the next book. And I'm not alone. I love that books grew with us. I matured, and so did my favorite characters. Those books feel like home. They taught me so many important life lessons. The first book was the book that started my obsession with reading. I haven't stopped since I sat against the tree reading it the summer before third grade. Books provided (and still do to this day) an escape for me at any given moment. I have memories enclosed within the pages of my books, where I was, what happened, etc while I was reading it. I can't bring myself to comprehend that I will never again attend a midnight release at borders for Harry Potter. But still. They brought me here. Along with others. It's phenomenal, the affect certain things will have on our lives. Anyway, I'm going to be counterproductive some more and not to my homework. Oh well. good night.

#26

I'm tired. This shouldn't count.

#25

This is really getting to be a problem. I have to stop procrastinating. Seriously, this is bad. Very, very bad. I'm going to severely screw myself. I'm going to bed, so I can get up early and work. Hopefully I actually do that. G'night.

#24

Time is no longer comprehensible,

Moments are bleeding together

And your actions have been more than reprehensible

And these days will not last forever

So who are you to take away

A life you barely gave

To someone you chose to betray

You were never someone I could save

So retreat back into your pathetic, excuse of a mind

Stay out of mine, you've lost me already

So, go ahead waste away, undefined.

Get set, you're ready.

Goodbye.

#23

1,430. My goal for the day was 1,000. I'm going to be doing this regularly from now on. It's a new goal of mine. I'm going to write a book just to write a book, it's going to be inconsistent, ridiculous, cliche, barely edited, and barely planned. I'm writing this to write.It's for me, I can be selfish. It's a bit of..therapy/ a timeconsumer/ a goal/ something else. I'm excited. We'll see how well it goes. My goal for tomorrow is 2,500/ Now I have to go be productive with everything else seeing as I spent the last few hours adventuring, trying on beautiful prom dresses for the hell of it, and writing. This is what it should be about. I'm 16, I'm allowed to go out and be ridiculous. I can be a teenage girl sometimes. :]

#22

I'm screaming softly,
Shouting endlessly,
Do they even know you, my dear?
Do I even know you?
I'm sorry I didn't take the time,
To listen to your silent screaming
You were dying from the inside out
And you were losing a fight
You never should have fought alone
Darling, please hold on
Don't let them take over just yet
It's going to be alright
I'm here this time, love
Step down, just breathe
This time around
I'll fight for you,
And I hope you remember I love you

I wish I could always be there, I wish I could see the hurt everytime it arrives and take it all away. I wish I could end it for all of you. But I can't, and a lot of the time, I'm too caught up in myself too even notice. But I'm here, always, and I love you all.

This is it

And we've reached the point where nothing will ever be
The same
So I hope you're happy with your choices, because
You'll never get back what used to be here.
You can't change my mind this time
And your words can't draw me in any longer
So I hope it was worth it
Because things have changed now
I'm not the same anymore
And you're not who anyone thought you were.

#21

So I came to the realistic nonrealization of a lot of things today. For once in my life., I don't care. For once, this melodramatic, over-emotional, teenage girl was emotionless. Not cut-off from emotion. Simply done letting certain thoughts and feelings over-ride her mine. I'm not sure if this will last, or for how long. Or perhaps, I've got it all wrong. Maybe it's just shock. But I don;'t believe so. This will take some getting used to, but I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay with that. For the first time in a long time, I'm going to be something else entirely. And I'm happy. I'm empty too, though. All of the extremities I've felt as of late are gone. Now I have to refill it with my creativity, my life, and my thoughts and memories. But right now I'm going to get something to drink cause I'm parched :] haha, and go watch Degrassi. Maybe even do this fucking homework...doubt it.

#20

Holy shit. Two months. All we've done is work, and now it's over? I just can't believe it. I hate the post-show feeling. It's another change to get used to. And it's always so weird, we work and work and work. Then it's over in just a couple nights. It was amazing though. We had a wonderful group of people, and I am beyond happy with how this worked out. The cast, directors, and crew were more than one can ask for. My sisters were able to come, and I got see two of my oldest best friends. And all of my other lovely friends and family came. I just can't believe it's done. And then there's all the other shit running through my head. But I need to go to bed, there's too much nostalgia, too many thoughts, and too much change right now. It's going to swallow me whole if I don't cut it off somehow, only way to do that is sleep. Although it's going to be another awful night, I know. But that's okay. It'll be alright. Good night I guess, sleep please come quickly, and actually stay with me through the entire night until like 10. I'm begging you.

#19

I just fucking had to leave my cast dinner because I couldn't breathe or stop tearing up. You are absolutely, completely ridiculous. I am so fucking upset with you right now, that I can barely get these words out. You can fuck off now. I hope you're happy. Good luck. Right now, I'm done. Tonight is the end of it. I can cry, breakdown, and scream. But after this that's it. I'm getting up tomorrow, and being me. I'm done. I'll make it through. And I'll be absolutely fine. But I'm going to do what's right for me. I've had people leave my life, this time it's my turn. I'm just....i don't know. I'm sorry, these words are capable of changing over and over. I have no idea. All I know is this...I don't feel like explaining. I need to wash this makeup off, get rid of the bobby pins in my hair, and go to sleep. Good night and goodbye.

This doesn't count

Holy shit, my last post was my 100th post on this blog. Just sayin, that's pretty sweet.

#18

The slightest hint of your presence is here

It's settling over top of myself 

Like dust collecting over untouched

Objects of the past

You're miles away

And yet you're right here

In this very room

I wish it were truly you

If only your silhouette had received

The ability to solidify

The translucent soul

A person

The person

The one who stood as my rock for years

The one who played Harry Potter with me

We shared midnights reading together

Played games under tables

Hid everywhere

We lost the same ones

Played all the games

Yet we know nothing of the other

Yet somehow, you became another one of my sisters

And now, 

Part of my heart resides too far from me

#17

Shit. So, here's the deal. I'm an idiot, i procrastinate obnoxiously. I need to prepare for a fucking ap psych quiz, find something to wear tomorrow, clean, make food, and sleep. So guess what. This is my post. Sorry.



=D

#16

~So help me, please someone come quick I think I am losing it Forgive me, I inherited this From a stranger i'll never miss~




So this is all that's left
You've gone away now,
And I know you won't be back
But we've got to move on somehow


You've disappeared into some oblivion
And noone will find you
And I'm so sick of you
You better hope they don't find you


Cause bitch I'm so done with you
And if I ever speak to you again
You'll be prayin they lock you up
Cause I've got a lot to say

So many words I want to say
You dirty , fucking thief
Fuck you
Kay?


This is so fucked up


~Here is my own family tradition Following footsteps into addiction So is there a way that i can find peace While still numbing my pain~


Sorry for the rant, I'm pissed off. Shocker. Anyways, I promise I'll try to put up something less pessimistic tomorrow. :D Good night.

#15

I totally stole this from a website, it's a writing prompt. You take a photo album, pick out the 14th photo, study it, then describe the way it makes you feel. Cheesy, but interesting. I'm using a photo album my aunt made me after my grandparents passed away. She personalized photo albums for me, my sisters, and couple cousins. They basically involve older family members we were closer to, and center around us. Mine even has the only pics of my parents wedding that I've seen. Anyway, here goes. I'll describe the photo, then the emotions it evokes.

He's dressed in his best suit, and she's in her white dress. Their mouths are hidden behind a small white basket of bright red roses, and clusters of baby's breath. Her short brown hair falls into her face. Both have upturned, smiling eyes. She holds her arm in front of her, trying to look cute. He's holding the basket up in front of them. He's slightly in front of her. It's a barely conceivable gesture of protection.

They are the picture of innocence. Smiling, laughing, and hiding bashfully. Two children, The scene is happy. What isn't happy about a wedding? It's a start. It's everything. They're a symbol for love. Yet, they're so ignorant. Oblivious. They'll never guess what's coming. They could never imagine that the people they smiled for would fall apart so quickly. The two are so beautiful, it kills me. They're happy, if only they knew it wouldn't last very long. Only a few confused, hidden years. It's so ironic their smiles are hidden, because they don't realize the smiles won't exist forever. Why doesn't innocence prevail? Somewhere along the road, we lose some part of ourselves. I wish I could warn them. Such awful moments are ahead of them. Soon enough they'll be surrounded drunk relatives, stolen money, overused prescription pills, weed, children without marriages, drugs, stealing, guns, fights, screams, stress, life, and all of it. These moments won't last. They won't even always be the best of cousins. Not at all. But right now, none of that exists. All they have is love, hope, and childhood. If only they knew.
If only we'd known our family was going to fall apart. If only we'd been able to save them. To help them. To stop them.

#14

~It all seems so contagious Not to be yourself and faceless In a song that has no soul~


I'm watching you and it's killing me. You're living a lie that you refuse to lose. You lost the ability to be you, you lost yourself in someone else. But that someone else is only using you. And I just want to make you see, this isn't you. You're beautiful and miserable at best. You don't need this, you don't deserve this. You're so much more, and you see nothing. You're blind, and I just wish I could open your eyes. Before it's too late. It's already too late for so much. Don't make it impossible to bring yourself back. I'm trying to help you, but you won't let anyone else in. And you're playing a dangerous game. Someone's guaranteed to be lost. Are willing to sacrifice that? If you are, then go right ahead. Play the game. But if you're not...give me the chance to show what they're doing to you. Take a step back. Because it's not fair to any of us. I hope you know I love you. And even though it might be too late, you're not alone. And you're not that one. You're so much more than you think you are. You're worth more than they're willing to give. So don't give in to someone who doesn't deserve you. Don't wait around for someone who does. Just be you, and be surrounded, and love. Someone will come along. Don't wait, don't search, and do not settle for anything less. Don't be afraid to let go. Sometimes you have to let go of someone to find your own self, or to take a next step, or meet someone else. Don't ever regret a mistake, you were lead somewhere. It's okay to be unsure, to fuck up, to get scared, to run away, to fall, to catch, to miss. But be careful. And overrall, love you, be you, and look out for you. But don't close yourself off. Don't shut people out. Just hang in there. It's not the end. It's only the beginning. 

#13

I walked out of the house. We would leave this place tomorrow with no inkling of where to head next. That was okay. We were together. We were safe, I was safe. I couldn't see, but I could hear, taste, and feel. I would experience every moment differently. And I would accept it. Like just now, I felt, rather than saw, a shooting star dart across the night sky in front of me. Making my wish tasted like the sweetness of a chocolate covered strawberry melting on my tongue. Two arms wrapped around my neck from behind me. I leaned back into his chest. The past was gone, but not forgotten. The present was dangerous and unpredictable. In doubting him, I had injured someone who loved me, someone who I loved. The future was not clear. We stood at a crossroad of decisions. I absorbed these facts into myself. Then I turned around to face the person standing behind me. I pressed my lips against him, slowly searching for his own. They were cool and soft. His arms held me. They kept me safe, not bound. I allowed him to lead me into the house. I wasn't capable of leading anymore. The next step was in their hands. For now, it was my job to learn how to live in a whole new way. In that moment, I yielded my safety to the care of five others.

#12

I'm too tired too think of something to write about so, 10 random things about moi.
1. I love storms with a passion, rain, thunder lightning, it amazes and cleanses and calms me.
2. The smell of old books is amazing. Books tell three stories, the one on the pages, the one behind the words, and created by all who owned, read, or held the book.
3.I'm probably going to join colorguard. This decision will probably result in bruises...everywhere :)
4. I need to stop noticing things I shouldn't.
5. I'm the kind of person who loves you despite your flaws, you could infuriate me and upset me and even more, but if something happened, or was wrong, I'd care, it hurts when I can't help. It's how I am, and I'm okay with it. This just happened with someone today, and kind of more than one person, but mostly a certain girl. Not that I've really even talked to her. And yet circumstances happened, I was less than happy with her, hearing what she may have said about me. Then I noticed something I probably shouldn't have. I just wish I could help. Kay, done ranting.
6. This is getting harder. Umm. I'm  running out of cool ideas for posts on this 30 days things.
7. I love mountain dew
8. Is it horrible that this one is harder than the other one about myself, the one with all the negative shit? anyway, ummmm, I'm about to go private spy/secret agent/ninja and hunt this one psycho bitch down. Don't even get me started.
9. I think I'm sleep deprived.
10. I have several addictions. Mountain dew, tea, reading, theatre, writing, and moree. :D

Yay, fini. Now off to bed. I'm so fucking weird.

#11

I promised myself I would never leave the truth unsaid again. And look what I did. Big surprise. There was so much to say. There always is. God, I knew you were hurting, and I didn't say what I should have. Not once. I've been doing that so much lately. I've nearly lost a lot of people by keeping things to myself, I've also let people in when I shouldn't have. I went about these situations all wrong. In the end we were all hurt. But out of all the shit that happened today, one good thing happened. Well one good change, I should say (good things did happen). I called you. This time I"ll speak up and say the things that should be said. I lost two people in my life in the past six months, and somehow got them back. And one other lost my trust, but hopefully that will change soon too. I'm so lucky it's phenomenal. The people in my life are amazing....and insane. Dear god, why do you guys put with me? Anyway I'm hopeful now, I'm letting go of some people, but I've also gained people. I'm going to hold on this time, and try to speak my mind more. I'm sorry.

Welcome back, hope. I missed you, it's been too long. Welcome back, myself. It's been too long. I'm done. And I'm back. I did it again. And my close friends still didn't hold against me. What the hell guys?

Anyway. I love you. Whoever's reading this, and to all the people who haven't read this.

Here goes nothin.
Tomorrow's a different day.
<3

#10

I had this ridiculous little notion
This silly little notion
Absurd little notion,
That I knew you
I used to believe
But you aren't who I thought you were
And honestly,
It must have all been
Created inside my head
Because
It was a ridiculous, silly, absurd, idea
That you were somebody
You aren't
So go right ahead
You're not foolin me anymore
And I've seen through all the masks and mirrors
And come to a conclusion
And truthfully,
I think you're the fool
So go right ahead
And let her ruin you,
Because I know you won't resist her.
And this time, I'll be standing on the side lines
Laughing
Because you're such a fool

But I promise you,
You're best friend will still stick around
It's the most I can do
Cause I can never prove this to you

#9

Gentle waves lapping
At the
Empty shore
Erasing footprinted proofs
Of our past
Presence

#8

So yea, I'm pissed off and I feel like ranting. Disregard these words.

Haha, really classy babe.
It's your personal shit,
Don't show it off to the world
Seriously, so not necessary
And honestly what the hell?
Grow the fuck up
And get over yourself.
I'm done with this.
Not worth my time,
Not even worth ten minutes in my mind
So sick of your shit
I hate this so much
I hate every second you spend in my thoughts
I hate your power over me
I hate you
Everything about you
I hate that you made me this way
And one other thing,little fucker
Do.
Not.
Ever.
Lie.
To.
Me.
Again.
Get your shit together
Figure yourself out
I'm done being in the middle of it
Or being part of it at all
Fuck off.

#7

The air was empty tonight
Streets filled with trees filled with dying leaves
Just like you
Or maybe not
Cause perhaps you're already dead..
Inside.
You'd already be gone
Except you can't be gone if you were never
Here
And I find it kind of funny that
We're all in this same place
But noone's really here
And I find it so ironic that
We spend all this time searching for ourselves
We never take the chance to create ourselves
And I find it somewhat sad that
In the end nothing changes
Yet in the end nothing will ever be the same

#6

Your grasp is

Waning.

Your effect on me,

Depleting.

Your intentions,

Appearing.

And finally I'm seeing,

Acknowledging,

The painful truth

I'll finally gain

The ability

Previously unknown to me

So how about you

Walk the fuck away

Because you're a moment too late

And now you're nothing

So goodbye and goodnight

#5

Wow, I actually made it to five. Yay. :D
It's kind of sad that I consider five in a row an accomplishment.
I'm at Paige's, I missed my best friend, and her family and this house.

Childhood memories
Float through my thoughts
Daydreams of bittersweet melodies
Sweet moments
Bitterly gone
We're growing up these days
And I'm not sure how I feel
Things are changing these days
And it's scaring me a bit
Just hoping
Some things will always stay the same
Not sure where were headed these days
But we'll make the best of it


~I remember when We used to laugh About nothing at all It was better than going mad From trying to solve all the problems we're going through Forget 'em all Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall Together we faced it all~

btw, paige i hate your keyboard you know why

#4

And I heard the tapping

All night long

And I was paralyzed

All morning long

Fear dripped through the walls

Shaking with terror

And the thought passed through my mind

The feeling of your arms around me

Your breathe against my neck

Voice in my ear

But instead I felt the cold air

Shivers up my neck

Tapping, hushed sounds around my room

That was preceded by nightmares that can not be described or understood

#3

So, I'm too tired to sound intellectual or poetic, so umm a random number 19, kay, 19 facts about myself you may or may not not know. 
1. It takes a lot to get me fully and truly angry. You don't want to see that.
2. I'm emotional and overdramatic. I cry all the time. I'm extreme, but I'm also ridiculously over empathetic sometimes. I hate seeing violence, and I often put mysef in the place of other's so much that it hurts. I care...a lot. People have asked me why? I don't know. I love and care too much sometimes. But I do anyway. And always will. If I talk to you, I care about you. It's just how I am. It gets really extreme though. But I take/keep it positive.
3. I have anxiety, not paralyzing freak out anxiety, just overthinking, paranoia(in a very mild sense), mild panic attacks on occasion type anxiety.
4. Lately, I've been having nightmares about once a week...atleast. They aren't all really scary, just creepy, or upsetting.
5. I've only recently begun to accept that I can't save everyone. That doesn't mean I won't stop trying to do everything I can for everyone I can.
6. I'm pretty liberal, and they are a few areas that I feel extremely passionate about. If I believe in something fully, I will fight for it. I'm open-minded, but I can be really stubborn if I need to be. In many aspects of..everything I swing back and forth between two opposites, it depends on a lot of other aspects. I can be one thing today and another tomorrow, and then I'll be right in the middle. It gets really obnoxious and ridiculous. That was definitely two in one.
7. I'm a total bookworm.
8. My family belongs on Dr. Phil, except we could make him quit. Seriously, the majority of one side of my family is just beyond fucked up. Not all of them of course.
9. My memory can be really patchy sometimes, it bothers me.
10. I wish I was good at something.
11. I'm more introverted than extroverted. I do love people and social shit, but it exhausts me. Interaction drains me. But then, sometimes I need it. There are moments where I feel like I may lose it if I'm by myself any longer.
12. Being in crowds terrifies me, seriously, it took a huge part of freshman year for me to get used to being around that many people, just in the classes and hallways. I'm often able to distract myself so it doesn't make me anxious though. Concerts are one of the few places I'm almost never freaked out. I stay to the side and I can breathe, I'd assume it's the music.
13. All of the people in my life mean more to me than they can imagine.
14. I feel more alone than ever sometimes.
15. Change terrifies me, it's takes me awhile to get used to little things.
16. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I'm ready to learn from them. Not everything is done right the first time.
17. I'm trying to live in the moment, it's really difficult.
18. I'm a romantic, not just in like the love way, but in the idealistic, soulful, dreamy, way. If that makes sense.
19. I'm afraid spiders, deep, unclear water, hospital-related things, the dark, crowds, change, knives, and a bunch of other random things, but mostly of turning into my mother.

Okayy, you probably just learned more about me than you needed to know. That actually got kinda personal, kinda like this entire blog. Haha. Oh man. Seriously, I often think there are too many aspects of myself. Seriously, this doesn't cover 1/4th of it. And a lot of that was kind of negative. Hmm. I'm not all bad and negative I promise!! Haha. But seriously, I need sleep. Bad.
Good night.
Sweet dreams, my darling.

#2

If only saying goodbye wasn't so difficult

She's sitting there. The only place nearby that she can find peace. The water moves under her, and she stares out over it. She pulls the petals of a purple flower off, one by one. In the end, it makes no difference. There's no one here, but her. She blows the petals into the wind, they fall into the creek. Small, silent tears slide down her cheeks. They don't mean much. No one will ever see. She picks up another flower, holds it to her heart, willing all the dreaming to transfer to it, then she lets it go. But the dreaming stays. It refuses to leave. The dreaming holds her in a tight grasp. Refusing to let go. She feels the pain deep inside her chest. It's heavy. So, heavy. And she's so tired, so tired. She wants it all to be over with.Her knees buckle. She collapses onto the cold concrete. The world under her is spinning. Spinning. She's drifting, drifting into a place she will won't easily be able to leave. Her eyes are closing shut. I scream to her. Scream, shout, cry. It doesn't work, she's fading. Doesn't she know it's wrong? That the dreams aren't real? They aren't. I sob as I beg her not to give in, but it's too late. Another is lost to the demon.

Loosely inspired by a daydream that was based off a dream. 

Yea, I know it's shit, but it's late, and I am beyond exhausted. You have no idea. And I have to write a poem...about economics. It's not goin to well. Fuck.Seriously, it's pointless. And you know what's ridiculous? My british accent, trust me love, it's bloody awful. Haha. Yea, I can't wait for tomorrow, the last two days have been homework hell. Ugh. So yea. Fuck. Haha. I'm done now. Well with this blog, not all the shit I have to do. Fuck! I need sleeppp! It's not fair *pout*. Humph. Well, cheerio. 

Goodbye sweetheart. 

#1

So yea, Jenna I'm totally copying you. I need to start working on like a billion things, one of them is writing a blog post everyday. I'm sure I'll have days where it's like one word or totally pointless shit, but I need to start setting goals and completing them. So here goes, starting today, for 30 days. Atleast one post a day. And if I make it, I might continue my goal.

Stage fades slowly to black
It's over now
We hope you enjoyed the show
Next, curtains close
Sliding together at an agonizing pace
Your eyes
They're all I see
As curtains close
And dancers leave
Silent eyes, staring
Right back at me
Bittersweet departures crash over me
Goodbye rests on my tongue
Like a burning aftertaste
Can't let go just yet
Wishing to savor what it had
First hinted at
But that is gone
All that's left is
A twisted show
Over now
An empty stage
Cleared out seats
And those eyes
Speaking so unclearly to me
It just might be
Time to say
Goodbye
And let my words flow once more

I've decided it's time to say goodbye. I'm closing the doors, and letting go. It's time to start fighting. I'm going to fight, and I refuse to give in. No matter what you say. Sorry, sweetheart. This time it's up to me, not you. So kiss me goodbye, cause now I'm gone.
Yea as always, this is in reference to like 8 things and people. Hahaha. Well I'm going wedding dress shopping, so psyched! Peace out home skillet biscuit.
<3

It's time to let the words

Flow

Let the ink hit the paper

Let the thoughts move

Transform

Into new meanings

It's time to stop sitting

And start moving

Time to start writing once more

Yea, the only point of this is to get my creativity flowing. Sorry for the sucky pointlessness. I just need to start getting the words out. I'm sick of pitiful cycles. And for some reason, I haven't been letting my words out lately. I need to stop keeping certain things in. It really isn't good. So yea, I'm gonna quit this pitiful little whatever. Anyway, this was entirely pointless. You definitely just wasted yourtime. I'm gonna go study and clean. Yuckkkk. Bullshit.Ugh my space bar is stickingit's pissing meoff....a lottttt!!!!! Okay, Byeeeee :]

Haha seriously, if you'restill reading this, idk,you must be reallyyy bored. Go something productive orread someofmy older, and moremeaningful posts. Peace out! Hahah.

Adieu

:]

Breaking Down

Breathing, ragged
Tears, falling
Silent
Chest, pounding
Hurting
Stomach rolling
Brutal
Head, screaming
Arms, wrapped
Tightly around
Bent knees
Body, shaking
Rocking

Samantha

Her hair is the color of straw. It falls around her marked face. The brown outline of covering nearly half of her. A beautiful bruise of life. Her eyes blue, clear as grayed water. They pierce me in a way that few can. Seeking and questioning everything. The pain that lurks in them, hides deep. Her smile is crooked and white. And brilliant. She shines her happiness everywhere. Yet, hiding so much more. Her laugh rings out, obnoxiously loud. Her tantrums and screams carry on endlessly. She talks incessantly, and sees more than most. She understands what she shouldn't know. Not yet. Her love and care seems to be endless. But she's fighting off terror, too. Saw too much, heard too much. She was left too many times. A small, innocent girl abandoned by the one that she should have been able to rely on. Forever. Yet, that's not how it was to be. But, I hope she will always know that she has me. Right now, and forever on. Her mother lacking in what she should be, but blessed with sisters. Samantha, I want you to know I won't ever leave. I'll be here always, ready to step into where she should, but cannot. I'll look after you. I'll do my best to explain why it turned out this way. I'll help you love, live, and learn. I'll be a mentor, mother, sister, and best friend for whenever you need it. I love you beautiful girl.
This also goes for my other two gorgeous little sisters, and my four wonderful nieces.
<3
Sorry, I just felt the need to write that. I think I may start writing "letters" to people. Just an occasional outlet idea.

15 things

So, I feel like I should do this. 15 things I would tell myself if I could go back in time:
1. Grab Sam before you run. Do not leave her, with her. Grab her, tell your mother like it is, then run to Ms. Cindy's.
2. Do not lose contact with Allison and Angelika, and make sure you visit Becky, and talk to her. She won't be around much longer.
3. Take pictures of everything. I'm serious. Do not stop. Especially when you're in Europe.
4. Trust your dad. He knows what he's talking about.
5. Stick up to your mom and Rick, and more importantly, tell your dad sooner. I promise things will change, so hang in there.
6. High School isn't as horrible as you fear, so relax.And enjoy every moment of it. Throw yourself into things head first. Live life to the fullest. Yea, you think you are, but you aren't. Promise. :]
7. Do your homework. On time. Early. Seriously.
8. Don't leave things unsaid. You'll lose people for it.
9. Don't get drunk, it sucks. Promise. Don't do it.
10. You're gonna get your heartbroken, think before you act afterwards.
11. Don't get sucked into the whole first love thing, just live in the moment. Don't get any delusions. You're young. Chill, have fun.
12. This is getting harder. Listen to Sr. Diane. She actually says a lot of good shit.
13. Get involved in a sport  the second you get chance.
14. Don't get caught up in the moment.
15. Things will start to look up, I promise. So hang in there. Think before you act. Don't do something rash. Don't follow that impulse.
Well, that was interesting. You just got a pretty personal look into my life. Although, few people would  understand a lot of these anyway. Haha. I may start doing more of these. Just not 15, maybe 5, or 10.
Well, ciao.

What does it mean?

I felt something. I heard the rain. I know I did. I heard the drops hitting the roof, I heard the wind rustling, and I know I heard the rain. It was coming down, not hard, but not light. It was washing over us. Washing the unseen away. I wanted to see that rain, stand outside in it. Embrace it. So, I stepped onto my porch two nights ago. Wanting to see the rain I heard, but it wasn't there. I know I heard it, I felt it too. But there was no rain. The night air was dry. Empty. No slick road, no damp grass. Nothing. I can't explain it. Nor can I explain what I felt out there. There are no words that can fully describe it. I just wish I knew what it meant. What is it signaling? Perhaps I'll ask.
On a completely, polar-opposite, topic. My stomach's in knots, my thoughts are swirling, and my gut is rolling. I need a chance to explain. There's so much more than you could possibly see. You have no idea. I promise, perhaps that's my fault. But, I'm not entirely guilty. Either way, please, just give me the chance to explain, and say what needs to be said. Because there's so much more than you think. But, I am genuinely sorry. I should have never left things unsaid. I honestly wish someone could hit me right now. I need to go get some work done, so I can go for a much needed walk though.
What did it mean? I don't understand. What are you trying to tell me? I don't understand! Why the fuck did I ask for a sign? I knew I'd just get more trouble. Not worth it. I knew that though didn't I? And you know I know better, so I guess thanks for the reminder? This is what I get.
I'm shaking my head at myself way too much right now.
Anyway, I better go get to work. For real.

This really isn't any good

It's just an experiment for something else entirely, but I decided to post it anyway.

Drifting Shadows

Phantoms of unknown origins

Translucent silver matter

Painted masks of faces

Treading slowly

Indefinitely

Effortlessly

In and out of moments

Drinking empty glasses

Filled to the brim

With memories

Bodiless souls

Empty coffins

Colorless minds

Lifeless lives

Pitiful

Weak

Feeble

Disgraceful

Sorry for the craziness with italics and strike-throughs in  the end. It both amused me and reflected my inner thoughts better. And that's all this is really for...or is it? Haha, oh man, I need sleep.

Good Night Sweetheart 

Hehe

I find the post below this one incredibly creepy sounding and it makes me smile. I'm bored and trying to distract myself. Just letting all you stalkers know. :D But I'm not gonna elaborate on the screaming, or the silencing of it. So, yea. Ignore me.

I silenced the screaming.

Buried Alive

Once again, no poetry, nothing new, nothing good. Sorry, I've decided to be selfish and write for myself. I feel like hell. My neck has never hurt this bad in my life, ever. I miss [you]. I can't find any solution to this. I'm at a loss, I don't know what turn to take next. And you are driving me insane. I feel tricked, played, and deceived. You built me up, broke through my walls, made me feel like I was something special. Then you took it all away. Not intentionally. I honestly doubt you even see what's going on with me, so I guess it's my fault. But still. It hurts to realize I really wasn't anything special to you. You don't see how you make me feel, or how it hurts me as well. You try, and I know you care. But not the way I thought you did. I thought maybe I was different, special, important. Guess not. Still, I doubt you won't stop being my friend. But seeing you treat them the way you treated me, saying and doing the things that made me feel like that...it hurts. I guess there isn't much else to say on that. Yea, it sucks, yea it's making me crazy. But I can't change any of it. As for the other you[s], I just don't know. I wish it was different. I miss you, I think about those days, blah blah blah every day. I made my mistakes yes, but there's so much more to it than that. Not getting into that right now. I wish I could have been happier tonight. I do feel bad for being mopey and whiney. Actually, I feel more than bad. And I am genuinely sorry for it. It was way too hard to paste a smile on today. I can usually fake it and act briefly. Then I let loose, and I remember how great things are. My mood changes and it's not fake. I know I'm lucky, I know how wonderful things are. It was just hard not to feel like shit today, but I think I have an excuse. Even if i do feel horrible for it. But seriously take all those things, throw in family drama, stress, pms, sleep-deprivation, and this neck pain making me want to cry.....I think it should be ok. I just need a couple whiny, sob sessions. Then, it'll pass. It'll come back, but that's life. I'm okay for now. Resisting {you}. I wish I didn't have too, I want to give in. But I won't. Not just yet. Hopefully, not ever. But sometimes it's so hard. Craving. Addiction. Resistance. Haha. Well. Anyway. I do feel better now. And I didn't even need a breakdown, crying session. This means, time for sleep! Yay. haha, um okay. Well anyone. Sorry to my [nonexistent] readers, for this pointlessness. Look forward to much more. It's quite beneficial to my mental well-being. Once my writer's block is gone, I'll get some poems, or something up. Anyway.
Ciao
Bonsoir
=]

Tralala

I'm bored and sleepy so I'm going to complain briefly. Ignore this. I hate stupid, immature, little boys. That discussion's over. I need to quit procrastinating. I hate change. Holy shit! When did this happen, when did I get here? My dad's irritating me. I feel too busy, I need more sleep. I want to go to France, Japan, and to this amazing creative writing program for two weeks in NYC. I can do none of these thanks to monetary problems. It's bothers me more than it seems to. On the plus side, we aren't homeless, or unemployed. And on the super plus side- I might get to start horseback riding lessons. Also, some sort of summer camp this year is an option. So that's good. Yea, life's not bad at all. I'm just blah and pms-y so I get to complain. I was gonna continue and write something meaningful, then I remembered I wanted to look up riding sessions. Much more important. :D I really hope I can. I'm so in love with it. Anyway. Peace-out lovelies.

And this is what we've come to

I've moved elsewhere. Yet, no matter where I go, choices can never be taken back. I will never lose the regret, or gain what I lost instead. I'll never allow myself to forget. Mistakes have become opportunities. It's all up to me. Still, my head is filled with....you know what? I don't feel like posting any of this up here today. It's going to stay in my head and brew awhile longer. 

And this is what we've come to

I've moved elsewhere. Yet, no matter where I go, choices can never be taken back. I will never lose the regret, or gain what I lost instead. I'll never allow myself to forget. Mistakes have become opportunities. It's all up to me. Still, my head is filled with....you know what? I don't feel like posting any of this up here today. It's going to stay in my head and brew awhile longer. 

Well

I guess you were right. I just wasn't strong enough to admit it to myself, but I'm strong enough to fight it now. And I will. I will not become another statistic. I could rant about that last sentence, but I won't. All I know is that this is going to end. That's that. And I know I don't make much sense. I'm not trying to do. Perhaps, I haven't lost as much as it feels like right now. But one more slip up, and it will all be gone. That won't happen. This time around I'm going to change it. Because this time I've recognized what's going on. I'll swallow the truth. Then I'll make it false. I will go back to what I want me to be. I may be more alone this time, but that's noone's fault but my own. It's time for a change. I only hope second chances will follow it. But most of that is up to me. I hid so much from myself, I'm only starting to see all of it. It's pathetic, pitiful, and just plain sad. Nonetheless, it's going to end. All of it. Starting right now. Well, technically before right now. Whatever. The point is clear. I think. It's clear to me. I know what I am going to do.I will do more this time. I see more this time. This is it. I'm sorry to all of you. I hurt you on my way here. More than once. You're probably gone forever. That is my own fault. I will do what I have to, and once this has changed. Only then can I even hope for the possibility of you speaking to me. This is it. I'm ashamed, I'll admit. That's why I'm ending this post soon. Talk is talk adn nothing more. And this one made little sense. Either way, I know much more than I did. Hopefully the knowledge is enough.
Sorry won't mean much at this point, but as I have said. I'm sorry. Such meaningless words at this point, my use of them is even causing me to shake my head. All of it is. Now for me to finally get the hell on the road to something[someone] better.

Letting Go Of A Butterfly

At several points in someone's life, they hope for the wrong thing. They long for that which will inevitably end in disaster. You build up this pretty picture around it. You spin the truth into a fantasy woven from such delicate thread that there is no possible way it can stand. Place all the faith and care into it that you want. That does not make a difference every single time. Sometimes it shatters. Not every time is right. Not every moment, meant to be. Not every wish come true will last forever. People lie. They leave. They are left. Some were only a transparent illusion that could only last until a gentle breeze blew them apart. Others drift. Some fade. Then some are entering, slipping in. Finding. Learning. Trusting. Growing. At least one of these is an occurrence at every moment.Sometimes you have to let go of a butterfly-filled fantasy, so you can move on to the next scene. You'll fall to tears. Maybe, you'll even think you broke. But at some point, the tears dry. They emotions are never gone. None are. Each emotion we can experience is in us somewhere, somehow, at all times. So make the right ones the strongest. Push the hurt and pain aside. Let anger subside. Bask in light, love, and happiness. Because it doesn't last. The rest is just around the corner. Lurking, waiting for a moment of weakness to spring free once again. So, don't waste it when it's there. And never cause more. Let go of what is not worth it. Don't fight it all. No one has that large of a reserve of strength. Let it go free. Some illusions must be shattered...before they shatter you. You will experience every idea of love, pain, loss, gain, ecstasy, and depression. You can not control or change this cycle. Allow any extra love someone will give you. Let go of any extra pain that someone may bring. Some are worth it, but very few. Keeping the hurt around may be easiest, but it merely hinders the inevitable. Each moment will come. You can choose some. It's all up to you.

As for me, I've decided it's time to let go. I want to move on. Hurt may not be avoidable. In this case it was even easier. I forced myself to believe some other option would arise. Maybe it will, maybe not. But not every person is worth the pain they cause. You showed me you weren't. I doubt you could ever prove me wrong. Partially because I doubt you'll ever try and fight me anyway. My stomach's sick, my eyes are red, and it hurts. Now all that's left is the wait for it to go away. Then I'll be ready for the next act, but not a moment sooner than that. 

P.S. This is about two people. I won't say who on here. A third could be included, but at this moment she and I are [hopefully] on a road to reconciliation. But I will say one I met more recently, the other I've known for years. I could be wrong. This was written in haste, merely a resolution to ending tears. In the whole first part you is used in the plural form, I'm not actually talking to anyone in particular. Just thought I'd point that out.

Darkness seeping in

Hazel eyes useless now

Can't seem to find you

Maybe hearing you

But where are you now?
Too dark

For these eyes to find

Your light

Fallen angels forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes
That failed this time
Riding out on waves of
Consciousness
Blind

Broken martyrs forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that failed this time
Riding out on waves of
Sacrifice
Blind

Blessed friends forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that failed this time
Riding out on waves of
Love
Blind

Ignorant enemies forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that failed this time
Riding out on waves of
Hate
Blind

I like the original idea behind this, but then i tried to take a different path and it didn't turn out as good. Oh well. By the way the original idea started with the second stanza then going somewhere else. But this is what came out instead. Sometimes I think words write themselves.

Je suis desolee

So, I'd like to apologize to you (nonexistent) readers. My last two posts went a bit....overboard with the pessimism and depressing shit. I let some shit get to me, and ended up losing myself briefly. I'm not as strong as I pretend sometimes...not that I pretend I'm very strong...or I don't think I do? I don't know. The point is, I apologize. I got a bit...kay a lot ridiculous there. I'm working on it though. I'm not sane. If I was I'd be boring. And have no good stories. Am I mad? Let me tell a secret, all the best people are. Kay, enough allusions. I'm working on getting rid of an obscenely and obnoxiously difficult case of writer's block. Once I do, you may see something good on here. Whoever you is. I seriously don't believe anyone reads this. If you do lemme know. Please? Oh and I got bored and made a tumblr. check it out, i've only posted like two things so far. I'm not sure what exactly will dominate the page, but if you read this, go read it. Go. Now. And i'll try to ease up on all that melodramatic, depressed stuff. Well I will ease up, just not sure how much, or for how long. I'm reading 1984, so maybe I'll just rant about stupidity, the future, and government. We'll see.
Ciao

So, I've realized something recently. Trusting people is useless. It never ends well. And when it does, it takes you time, pain, and loss to even get there. It's easy to open up, let people in, pretend they're there, pretend what they say is true. But in the end it leads to this. Running in circles, chasing after nonexistent, delusional ideas. None of it matters. We're all alone. No matter who walks in, they'll walk out. That's the cold, hard truth. The one I should have learned ten years ago. I could've, but I didn't. I held on to all these little ideas. I let people promise their lies and then walk away. I got caught up in the pitiful whirlwind of whatever the hell it was. You said I'd never end up reading that. Truth is, I did. Thank you for pushing me to this. Seriously. And thanks to the rest of them too. I learned my lesson. I'm done. Not that anyone reads this anymore anyway. I tried. I really did. I even gave myself the illusion that it was actually worth it. I'm done with that illusion. I'll have fun, smile, all the works. But I give up on that old idea. It's time to let go of that bullshit, childish illusion.

Well

The last few days can be summed up in death, excitement, rejection, disappointment, strandedness, boredom,  betrayal, finally some fun, excitement, and relaxation, then nostalgia, confusion, longing, hopelessness mixed with hope, encouragement, unsurity, postivity, and negativity. Honestly any words, texts, distractions, advice, whatever are extremely appreciated. Oh and mix in insanity, bullsh*t scariness. So if anyone's actually reading this, talk to me. Please. About anything. I don't even care. Kaythanks. I'll try to post something good soon.





Oh and I've joined the muse cult.

This isn't poetic, it's pathetic

The title says it all. Sorry for being a silly teenage girl. Rent reference in the title by the way

Now I realize

Understand

See

It’s clear

To me

It’s safer to follow your head

Than your heart

The only question left

Should I

Follow safety to nowhere

Or pain and danger to god knows where

Death

Makes life seem surreal and all the events in it become miniscule

I don't know what's right anymore
Maybe I never knew in the first place
A decision must be made before
It's too late, and I'm gone without a trace
Not that I could anyway
Not even if I should
Would I be able to walk away?
Maybe I would, if I could
So much felt so right
So much I know is wrong
It was quick, light
Nowhere near long
Enough
Too much confusion
That needs to be let go
Too much fear
I have that I'm not even sure I can let go
But something about it about you
Feels so right
Even if reason tells me no
I'm hearing two options
Even before you've chose
Getting too far ahead
Can't leave things left unsaid
I have so much to lose
Still, I have to let you choose
I know what I fear
I know what I want
The question is, do you?

Saying you're gone
Would be meaningless when you never existed anyway
A life never quite right, with lines never drawn
Little time to spare for so much to say

The one I can never save
Feeling all the pain
And I know it won't change
Know you'll never truly be sane

I remember your absence
I dream the nightmares from you
You who upset the balance
But I will miss what I never knew

I'd say goodbye but
Goodbyes aren't necessary for those in disguise

The air is stale
Empty
Like the afterthought of a crystal glass filled
To the brim
Then slowly poured
Dumped
Into the drain
Of the clean, steel sink
Can never know
What this may have
Held in it's warm
Embrace
Can never know
What may have been
Or should
Have been
That, is
Gone
Only drops
Of what is,
Left in the air
The glass

I can feel the bile in my stomach. The acid level rises. Toxic. Dangerous enough to tear through my skin. I think I might be sick. My head is spinning in circles. Over and over. I lurch forward, unable to maintain balance on these feet. Pain shoots from my chest to my throat. Can't breathe. There's a weight sitting on my chest and my throat's closing up. My. Oxygen. Is. Depleting. My hands are trembling, and my legs-shaking. I can't stand much longer. Sinking to my knees the tears start to fall. Little salty reminders of pain felt, feelings known, moments seen, and memories relived. The poison in my stomach is rising now. Forcing it's way back through the maze of my system and up my throat. I gag. It burns holes on it's way out. The pain forces me to fall from my knees. To lie on the cool, tiled ground.

Wishing star or meteor shower?

Shooting stars
Flitting past the
Sky in front of me
I whisper not one
Wish.
The air is heavy with
Deranged dream chasers
Innocence not yet lost
Naivety greatly present
But I know
Different.
It will only lead to
Disappointment.
There is no
Wishing, only
Doing.
No
Dreaming,
Only seeing.
No hoping,
Only
Feeling.

yea i know it~s iffy and my title sucks. I have a touch of writer's block :/

I wish I could fly

Dark spots coating
Each layer of skin and bone
Spirits are simply floating
Each one is alone
Separated by masks of glass
Puppet bodies parading across the ceramic tiled floor
Bending to the will of an invisible hand, nothing less
Made of dirty, rotting flesh, nothing more
The story unfolds from false truths and white lies
The ones to complain about the fall were the first to jump



i might continue this later but right now i wanna sleep.
g'nite

Why dance with the devil when you have me?

You're fighting so hard, but you're fighting for the wrong thing. You are fighting to hide, to run away from everyone else. Everyone who cares. Everyone who tried. You can't grasp that. Can't fathom how anyone could care. You feel so broken inside. Feeling the blackness rip apart your soul. So you shut them out. Push them away, so you'll never feel pain. But without pain, you're only numb. A human can only stay sane for so long that way. You hate being this way, but you hate the other way too. You don't want to care. You can't bare to feel. It's too much for you to handle. If only you could realize that you aren't alone. You don't have to shoulder the pain on your own. That's why they are here. They're trying so hard, it's tearing them apart. Everyone's hurting inside, but no one can change your mind. Only you can save yourself, but you don't have to do it alone. They won't let you be alone. Even if some don't understand it, they can still accept it. I'm sorry there wasn't more I could do. I wish I could it all for you. But no matter what, I'll always be here to break the fall. I love each of you.


This post came out of some frustration and hurt i'm dealing with while trying to help some people i care about. It's about several people, and they're killing me. I care so much, but I can do so little. I'm sort of lost at the moment. I hope tomorrow holds something better for them.

It's hot out, but the blood in her veins is cold. The full moon cannot cast a light on her heart. The stars can light an aura of silver around her, but they cannot remove the darkness from inside her. Energy is pulsating through the air. A thundering train vibrates her stable ground as she stares at the calm water under the bridge. It's nothing abnormal for her. This staring. She can't shake the restlessness. The want, no need, to take off. To fly away and never come back. To sever each little string that holds her to this life and soar above it. Catch on the winds and be free. She'll be carried somewhere else. Somewhere far away where she can forget it all and start anew. It's possible, but she can't be sure how probable. At least not at the moment, but that could change in an instant. One certain word, one specific action from them could change her mind. That's all it would take to drive her to cut each tie and leave. She's tempted, but she can't. Not yet. She hopes they'll make her want to stay. She needs them to keep her grounded, but how can they? How can someone do for her what she cannot do. Perhaps she isn't meant to stay grounded. She's a spirit that longs for adventure and excitement. A soul that wants to be free. Free of people, free of rules, free of everything. So much contradiction goes on in her mind now. She doesn't understand it. She used to be so sure. Now, not so much. So, she puts a halt on the thoughts, questions, ideas, and memories. Her lungs expand and contracts as she fills them with the hot, night air. She spreads her arms wide. No thoughts, just go she tells herself. "It's time." she whispers aloud. And she jumps off the railroad bridge, diving straight towards the water beneath her. It has to be frigid this time of year. But just before she plunges in, her head looks up, her body straightens out, and she soars. Her wings are spread. Black, feathered wings that are torn in several spots. But she doesn't care. They're spread wide. They aren't beautiful like the others', but they are hers. The result of wars she fought. Pointless wars with no meaning she could grasp. The winds tugs at her playfully. She smiles. Gives in to the longing and she leaves. They were her only reason for staying this long, but in the end it wasn't enough. They changed. She changed. Maybe they couldn't handle it, she thought to herself. Or maybe it is her fault.