Where Is This Place?

I'm up again, still can't sleep. I haven't slept in days, not that I normally slept that well...but still. This is different. At least I'm at Paige's. I'm more comfortable here than in my own home sometimes? Is that bad? No, not really. It happens. But I have to go home tomorrow and I don't want to. My room feels so empty these days, though I'm not sure why. It feels as if something has changed. The air that surrounds me isn't the same. It's not warm or inviting, or even breathable. It suffocates me, choking my throat and lungs. The air squeezes around me, I can' move right. It's as if I'm attempting to move through a body of water. But it's not the air, not really. It's my mind. Then again isn't it always one's mind? Every moment, feeling, emotion, action, it's all a perception. No matter what we tell ourselves, everything is in perception. Therefore nothing is constant. And also, if everything's perception, so is language. Which makes you wonder, what's in word? And once you can't define a word, you can't define yourself or your life. Then you can never fully grasp any moment that passes. Then you fall asleep and dream, but once you wake you remember perception. Nothing is constant, nothing is reliable. And so I wonder, how can we truly discern that the life we perceive as reality is truly reality? Could we not simply perceive our dreams as our reality? Who's to say we're wrong? No one can say who's right. Does reality even exist? And if so where, inside or outside of our conscious? Maybe these questions are why I can't sleep. It's a good possibility. Still, I feel like a child again. I spent twenty minutes trying to get Paige to turn the light. Yea we were laughing, joking, the usual. But I was legitimately terrified. I kept seeing shapes and faces and hearing noises. I do all the time. I hide under the covers because I'm so paralyzed with fear I refuse to move. It's even worse now, with this abnormal, inexplicable emptiness in my room. Well, I guess it isn't entirely inexplicable, but what I don't understand is why now? Or perhaps I do. Either way my room is overflowing with emptiness and loneliness. I have no desire to return to it tomorrow.I'm so lost in my own mind. All of my perceptions are off, no moment is reality, and no moment is fantasy. Every moment I live, I'm living, but I'm also daydreaming, and I'm analyzing, and I'm questioning some abstract off topic idea, or I'm going over some future moment in my head. I don't feel like I'm living moments, because I don't feel like I'm in them fully, I'm on so many different levels all at one time. But I'm not disconnected from reality, well maybe I am, but I don't think so. I just don't know where I am. I'm losing the ability to control my thoughts, because I've taken to attempting to halt them. It's not good, but most of the time I'm succeeding. I shouldn't be though. It isn't good for me to do this. I start to become paranoid about people, and I lose my grip. I don't face things. I'll avoid confrontation. I did so good at fighting this part of me off, but ow it's coming back. And what's sad is even these blog posts are aiding me in halting certain thought flows. Another super not healthy way, is to obsessively think over a few things bothering me to convince myself I'm confronting it and blah blah blah. It's not good, my anxiety's all bad again. I'm freaking out constantly. S'not cool. But I have no idea how to stop. How in the hell do I make myself confront things I've buried so deep, I'm able to think about shit that's happened over and over and completely convince myself that I am confronting it and grasping it etc, when I'm not. How do I even dig that far into myself when I've built this wall so strong I can't even see past it, and sometimes I even doubt it's there. I'm that good at convincing myself. So how do I stop? How do I learn to find myself again, confront it all, and the hell over it? Or accept it and move on? This is leaving me way too f*cked up. I can't find the answers, but I'm so close, I just have to make myself stop fighting myself. Sigh, I meant to make this philosophical and meaningful, then it turned into a rant. Oh well. I'm going to get a drink and my book. See if it helps me at all.