"Every Now and Then I Fall Apart"

I feel as though I am floating, hovering near the edges of this capsule that holds my spirit. The ties that held it in place seem to be dissolving one by one. It struggles to be free. My mind battles itself, wanting to leave, needing to stay. I latch onto every meaningful moment that passes. I allow myself to swing from each one, silently screaming. I'm swinging over an empty, unpredictable void. An abyss that has no destination. But the importance of a given moment is diminishing. Soon, I believe it may not be enough, perhaps then each tie will be severed. My hand will reach, but it will touch nothing. I will start to fall, crashing through the air, sinking, screaming, but then I will fly. And I wonder would it be wrong if I flew to the frosty glassed windows of children's bedrooms and taught them how to fly away? Because I wish someone had taught me how to fly away, since I cannot find a way. Wrong or not, I never could teach them, because I still haven't learned how. Even if I did know, there is no absolution that I would put the knowledge to use. It would simply be a means of escape. Lately I had believed that even without the knowledge, I would still fly away. Except it would be more floating than flying. I've felt as if my every tie to myself was going to be gone. The feeling is nearly indescribable, but at least I am beginning to grasp the why. The understanding is hitting me slowly, in miniscule ripples instead of brutal waves. Which is good, I'm not sure how much I can be capable of intaking. The confusion at this feeling caused such a fear to rise in me.But now, I'm grasping it all, instead of meaning and understanding slipping through my fingers like sand, it is becoming stable. Slowly, and as impatient as I am, I know the pace is good. The numbness towards you is wearing off, but only slightly. I keep trying to force anger, hate, mistrust, longing, etc towards you. Because I've felt numb, now I realize I was numb because those emotions weren't as present as they have been as of late, not at all. Because slowly, over a long period of time, I have been accepting the truth. I've begun to let go and to accept that you will never be what you should. As for another, I'm letting to of you as well. That isn't all. Perhaps this truly is the metamorphosis. Although, I don't quite see myself becoming some stunningly beautiful butterfly anytime soon. Ha. Anyway. I'm figuring this out, it's shaking me quite a bit. Nothing at all is stable right about now. My reality is an illusion. But I'm coming out of this. Peeling away the layers one by one. My creativity, stability, courage, and strength should be back soon. I just have to learn patience, I'm still hovering at the edges of myself. But perhaps that's more a part of me than I thought. Again, patience. You know, cause I'm so good at that. By the way the beginning of this post is not some creepy, depressing death reference. Not at all, I just realized that's what it sounded like. Sorry. Anyway, good night. I would say I'm ready for this year to be over, but if doesn't that just make an entire year a waste? Yea, we can sit here and see oh I can't wait for this year to be over, I need a new start, I'm reading for a new beginning, but don't wait for new year, and don't blame the past year. Just make every moment as worthwhile as it can be, and accept that a lot of moments are going to be shitty. It happens. Accept the past, make the most of the present, and fight for the future. Yep, I'm done being deep and poetic, I'm gonna go back to watching criminal minds and trying to resist eating a bowl of ice cream. Good Night.