Way to ruin everything in one day, Jaime.

fucking fuck. I'm weak. Beyond weak. And I suck at this. I can't even. Ugh. All I do is make up excuses. And eat. And eat some more. I haven't shed a single pound this summer. Maybe two or three that fluctuate. I need a routine. A daily routine. Doing yoga, exercise, running. I need to do this. I have to get in shape.

Well

I need to start writing again, and I need an outlet. No one reads this anymore, obviously, seeing as I don't post anymore. So I'll start here, but I'll probably move somewhere else. I dunno. We'll see. This is my spot though, I can put up whatever the fuck I want.

This probably isn't healthy. I should probably stop. But I don't want to. It's sad isn't it? I'm a damn good actress though. They both believed my pathetic lie. Who would even try to guess the truth? Except yesterday, when someone noticed. When someone yelled at me, confronted me, said it was getting scary. But I blew it off perfectly. And I ate so damn much, she couldn't say anything else. I'm going to try, I really will, but I'm not where I want to be, but I'm so damn close, just a little farther please? Then I'll get better. I'm already closer than I was yesterday. This will not be for nothing. I kept getting stuck in one place for weeks, but I've grown impatient. But really, I only need like two more weeks (probably not even that). I'll stop soon, I promise. I just, it's...comforting. I can't write anymore, I'm done for now.

What would they say if they knew?

You are slowly losing breathe
The oxygen in your lungs just won't
Replenish quite right anymore
But you struggle,
Like a tide that cannot quite reach the shore,
You fight to catch that breathe
But your strength simply is not here,
Anymore.

Fuck this is pathetic, I cannot even write. Not even for you. I have no idea what I am right now. I would say I'm in denial, but if I was would I be able to say that I was this easily? It's like I don't even care. I'm not withdrawn, I'm not upset, I am nothing. Because I keep fighting it back. Every time the grief and the fear rises in me, I shove it back down. But one of these days, it is going to topple over me. And even I do not know what will happen when that dam breaks. I go to sleep every night wondering if someone will come wake me up to tell me she's gone. And yet I feel nothing. I have never been so detached that I could reason and explain it like this. Detaching should mean ignoring it. But instead I can do this: My grandmother is going to die. And I do not know when. And I am scared. And she is everything.
I can type that, I can think it, I can say it, but I cannot feel it. Honestly, it's not there. I don't even know what to say. I want to feel, I wonder what would happen if I made myself feel. You know, cause that's such a good idea. I hate how empty my words sound right now, because they are. Every word on here is fucking empty. Empty, basic, and meaningless. I can't even call it pathetic because it's barely here. And I'm still typing because I'm hoping to wring out some sort of emotion, something, anything by doing this.And yet, I have gotten nowhere. I just want to feel again god damnit.

Cool

So I'm going to complain. Get over it. Actually, just don't read this. I love seeing all the girls at the shows with their moms. It's a wonderful reminder of what mine never has been and never will be. It's a great reminder of the fact that my mom...you get the point. It sucks. And My grandma's sick, really, really sick. And I'm trying every day not to break down and it's so damn hard. And I don't think anyone is coming to my show. Not even my two best friends. Yay. Okay so my dad and little sisters might be there. And I really ought to get over it, it's no big deal. But I hate it, it makes this whole issue with my grandma even worse and leaves me feeling more alone than ever.. And I just want my mother to be like that. And now I'm crying, which would be good, since I've barely cried, except that I have five minutes to pull myself together. I doubt I'll go out at all tonight, I need to get home so I can break down for real, finally. Whatever, I'm done, bye.

The panic set in, for hours.
Breathing quickened, unhealthily.
Thoughts flitted back and forth.
Dangerous desires flooded.
She was decaying away.
But eyes passed over, never seeing
A thing.
Instead, she slipped by,
Unseen.
Unnoticed.
Invisible.
Until she was.
A touch on the back, and a compliment.
Then warmth outside.
Escape from a smothering cage.
Home to absence,
Yet to presence.
Phone calls from the past stole her,
And returned her to the present.
Yet, she still hid away.

This feeling is overwhelming. It is engulfing me. The loneliness is washing over me like waves crashing against a deserted pier. I am afraid to slip in, because if I do, it may never release me. I’m sorry, dear, but I’m afraid it is too late. The trap they laid for me, it was hidden all to well. I fell down a hole, tumbled into an abyss, stumbled into snares, and there is no quick release. I apologize, love, for all the pain that I have caused. The mistakes I made along the way quickly became unforgivable, so I will understand if you must leave. I felt the unseen stars soar through the air. They did not reveal themselves to me, because I scared them all away. I took the road less traveled and lost them without ever reaching my destination. 

I never post on here. My head is killing me, so here's a pathetic, shitty, mini-rant. I hate algebra two, I'm afraid for the final. Yet I've barely prepared. I need a 92 on my chem final to keep my A away from an A- and I didn't make my mole. My room looks like it was hit by tornado, I haven't even put my clothes away yet, let alone clean it. Wanna know what I have done? Sat on tumblr. Wrote. Kind of studied. Danced. Sung. Chatted with my awesome tumblr friends. Had a pity-party with myself. Yea, sucks. And gone ice skating and come home with two bruises a big scrape on my thigh and a slice on my finger. I had fun though. I just messed around, tried the one spin I never learned before I had to quit (also like the most basic) Failed. Did the one jump i know wonderfully. Did crazy fast laps for a long time. It felt good. I really did sustain a lot of injuries though. So yea, you see how unproductive I am. Fuck. So, yea. Oh and just to not break the trend *insert whiny, angsty, I have no friends, my life sucks, my mom's crazy quote here* Mkay. If you actually took the time to read this, I'm terribly sorry for the complete waste of your time. No, nevermind, I'm not. Have a nice night XD
Oh god, I am so weird right now.

She's Calling Out To You

Ho-oly shit. I don't even have the words to describe anything about the last few hours right now. I'm so...holy shit. You really don't even want to know. So...oh my god, I really don't even know what happened back there. Faith. It's a scary thing. Like, what the hell just happened? And then the whole mother thing. Haha, what?! Dude, I'm fucking confused beyond belief, and it's kind of hilarious, because I'm like this: eavgufjkhbuiojk3welhfrbwelrjhweuijnfbiuwe x10000. I don't even. Like, fuckkkkk. What just happened? Listening to this is a call on repeat, trying to sort out these thoughts. I don't have the words or the time for this. Nonetheless, I'm happy. Oh dear. I should go now.

With a pocket of stars and a head full of wishes, I will make these dreams come true.

Ew

So I'm sicker than I have been in a long time. Tfhis is the worst possible timing. I was up at 330 this morning, and went to the hospital with grandma at like 5. Until like 630. Then I went to school. I blamed everything on tiredness, until I was at rehearsal. So much fucking pain, and I couldn't stand up straight. Spent five minutes in the bathroom cause I was about to puke. Went home, focused on not dying while walking. Slept until like an hour ago. Dad's getting me medicine and I'm sleeping again. I can't see grandma tomorrow cause I'm sick. I have two quizzes tomorrow. A concert on Friday. ACT/MME next fucking week, and finals the week after that. This is so horribly timed. And I feel so infinitely miserable. I love my wonderful friends, seriously. You don't even know. And if I wasn't so sick, I'd be in like the happiest mood ever because they are wonderful. But, hopefully I'll be fine friday. This feels like the flu, and for me the flu never lasts long. Seriously, I haven't had the flu for longer than a few days in like years. Kinda lucky, and so I'm gonna convince my body to be better  by friday. Or I swear to god, I'm gonna kill it. We'll be fighting, let me tell you. Ha, okay, time to get ready to go sleep.