This doesn't count, I know I just updated, but I need to vent, before I lose it. I suggest not reading this, I'm about to vent, rant, and get overemotional and dramatic again.
I love Thanksgiving, I really do. So why am I like this, why does it hurt so much.I miss you so much. I want my grandmother back, things would be different if you were still alive. Why did you have to leave? Every thanksgiving I think about you, but usually I talk to mom about it. This year I don't even know where she is. Can you help me please, is she safe? Is she okay? And now this. Holidays ruin me. They really do, but I love them. I love holiday season. I love seeing my family, playing with the kids, eating the food, seeing the love, the happiness. But there's so much more than that. I see the hypocrisy, the pretending, the way we act one moment and then different another. I see the lies, the broken ties holding our families. But most of all I see memories. Good and bad. Beautiful and broken. Either one makes me feel the same. I hate it so much. The nostalgia grows so high, I can't contain it. And I feel like I'm floating. I don't what is real and what's an illusion. What is this life anyway? Who are we, what are we? What is any of this anyway? I just can't understand it. And when I look at it that way, why do any of the little things still matter? They shouldn't, but they do. They matter so much. And I'm not sure how long I can handle all this. I'm happy, truly happy right now. So why I am sitting on my floor crying, again? I just don't understand. And I want all of this to go away. I can't even describe all of this in words. I just...don't know. Can someone tell me who I am, because I don't know anymore.