Look at all the pictures here,
And you'll see, dear
The difference between you and I
So perhaps you ought to say goodbye
Because you will never gain
The ability to carelessly dance in the rain
You will never cry
Just to cry
You cannot enjoy running through fields,
Vast, flower-filled fields.
You are not capable of
Endless, unconditional, unassuming love.
And darling, you can no longer see
That life's no guarantee
So even if I'm overemotional and melodramatic
No matter how many times I become problematic
I know it's me, and I'm so much more
Than the rest of this foolish world, anyway.
Because life is made of moments, and once one's gone, there's another in it's place. And I plan  to live each one to it's highest possibility. No matter what. And I plan to shout, scream, laugh, cry, love, and fight. And Every single option in between. Perhaps, I'm extreme, but it's better than living some simple, boring, melancholy, empty life. Shit, we only get one. So do with it, whatever the hell you want. Fuck everybody else. Unless you're me, that is. But either way. In the end it's about you, and it's okay to be selfish. Just don't go run off and kill people or rob banks, and we'll be good.

"I've been down in here before and maybe I could want it more I know I never tried to stop I never try"

It wasn't there.

It's always there.

Always.

So where was it?

Where were you?

Hm?

You abandoned me in the moment

That I need you most

No matter how hard I tried

You simply weren't there.

But the worst part is

I didn't even notice your absence at first.

But I did.

And now I'm concerned. 

I shouldn't have gone to you in the

First place

And this time, you didn't come

Whisper,

Scream,

What's the difference?

What does it mean when you stop feeling it?

I miss posting every day. So I plan to attempt to do so. I refuse to elaborate on this. And you would never, ever, guess what it is about. I promise. It's not obvious, not in any way. I don't even think Paige could figure this one out. Anyway, I should go do something productive. 

We are young and we are strong Through strength in self we become Something more than they can be

I had an urge, a spark, a passion to write. Somewhere in between the words I was reading, and the words that were playing, that need dissipated. I'm somewhere else now, but I haven't quite discerned that location. The colors around me have dulled, and not much can be found here, right now. I feel disconnected, not in a negative manner, simply in one of indifference. I'm sure it's simply in preparation for another extreme shock back into the less than perfect reality of this world. But that's a matter for tomorrow. For tonight, I revel in the words on the screen, the paper, and in the air. For tonight, I'll forget about the scars we hide, the blasphemy they whisper, the screams she tries to cover, the monsters each hides, the manipulative moves we all make. And most importantly, even if just for tonight, I'll forget the existence of this absurd, insignificant, game we create for ourselves. And for tonight, I'll forget about your presence in my mind.

And so here's to peace.

Goodnight my dear.

#30

This is it. I made it to thirty. I'd be proud of myself, if things weren't such a mess at the moment. Either way. I may or may not continue this. Like I fucking know. Anyway.


It's just a whisper
Just a little whisper
Of a bittersweet secret
Not ready to be unleashed
But she's falling apart at the seams,
They're ripping,
Coming undone
It appears that she did not sew them tight enough
And there's no guarantee
She'll be able to sew herself together again
Like she'll need to
Once she's truly alone,
And the whisper becomes a scream.

This doesn't count, I know I just updated, but I need to vent, before I lose it. I suggest not reading this, I'm about to vent, rant, and get overemotional and dramatic again.
I love Thanksgiving, I really do. So why am I like this, why does it hurt so much.I miss you so much. I want my grandmother back, things would be different if you were still alive. Why did you have to leave? Every thanksgiving I think about you, but usually I talk to mom about it. This year I don't even know where she is. Can you help me please, is she safe? Is she okay? And now this. Holidays ruin me. They really do, but I love them. I love holiday season. I love seeing my family, playing with the kids, eating the food, seeing the love, the happiness. But there's so much more than that. I see the hypocrisy, the pretending, the way we act one moment and then different another. I see the lies, the broken ties holding our families. But most of all I see memories. Good and bad. Beautiful and broken. Either one makes me feel the same. I hate it so much. The nostalgia grows so high, I can't contain it. And I feel like I'm floating. I don't what is real and what's an illusion. What is this life anyway? Who are we, what are we? What is any of this anyway? I just can't understand it. And when I look at it that way, why do any of the little things still matter? They shouldn't, but they do. They matter so much. And I'm not sure how long I can handle all this. I'm happy, truly happy right now. So why I am sitting on my floor crying, again? I just don't understand. And I want all of this to go away. I can't even describe all of this in words. I just...don't know. Can someone tell me who I am, because I don't know anymore.

#29

Almost done...wow.

~Goodbye love, goodbye. Glory, one blaze of glory I have to find. Please don't touch me, understand I'm scared, I need to go away~

His scent lingers on her skin,

She can still feel his scalding touch

Her lips linger in the air,

Parted, waiting,

But he's already gone

The moment was not rushed

But it was only a moment,

Just one, in a midst of
Millions.

Yet she can't shake him,

She's trembling, fighting

What now?

Can she let it happen again?

She felt so much she thought she could burst,

Perhaps that's why

And so she asked that question

The one that burned in her mind each time

"Did it mean anything"

"No, nothing. I'm sorry."

It's all she needed to hear.

She doesn't need meaning, she needs feeling

But he was gone before she could say

Goodbye

#28

I can't hear your voice anymore
It's no longer here
Whispering in my ear
So why is it
Every memory is still here?
And why are these memories so completely distorted?
I can't see your face anymore
It no longer exists in my world
So why is it
I see you every day,
Inside my mind?
I don't even know where you are.
And no one is trying to find you
But the hardest part
Is none of us have gone anywhere
You simply must not care
And I can't bring myself to understand
What mother could simply
Walk out on someone,
After years of absences, stealing, lies, broken promises, and
Medicated silences
The wish for you to come back keeps starting to form
So, I remind myself you can't come back to
A world you never existed in

#27

Just saw Harry Potter. I've got a lot to say, but I'm not in the mood. I'm amazed at this, though. I truly grew up on those books. I spent most of my childhood, playing Harry Potter, anxiously awaiting my letter, and itching for the release of the next book. And I'm not alone. I love that books grew with us. I matured, and so did my favorite characters. Those books feel like home. They taught me so many important life lessons. The first book was the book that started my obsession with reading. I haven't stopped since I sat against the tree reading it the summer before third grade. Books provided (and still do to this day) an escape for me at any given moment. I have memories enclosed within the pages of my books, where I was, what happened, etc while I was reading it. I can't bring myself to comprehend that I will never again attend a midnight release at borders for Harry Potter. But still. They brought me here. Along with others. It's phenomenal, the affect certain things will have on our lives. Anyway, I'm going to be counterproductive some more and not to my homework. Oh well. good night.

#26

I'm tired. This shouldn't count.

#25

This is really getting to be a problem. I have to stop procrastinating. Seriously, this is bad. Very, very bad. I'm going to severely screw myself. I'm going to bed, so I can get up early and work. Hopefully I actually do that. G'night.

#24

Time is no longer comprehensible,

Moments are bleeding together

And your actions have been more than reprehensible

And these days will not last forever

So who are you to take away

A life you barely gave

To someone you chose to betray

You were never someone I could save

So retreat back into your pathetic, excuse of a mind

Stay out of mine, you've lost me already

So, go ahead waste away, undefined.

Get set, you're ready.

Goodbye.

#23

1,430. My goal for the day was 1,000. I'm going to be doing this regularly from now on. It's a new goal of mine. I'm going to write a book just to write a book, it's going to be inconsistent, ridiculous, cliche, barely edited, and barely planned. I'm writing this to write.It's for me, I can be selfish. It's a bit of..therapy/ a timeconsumer/ a goal/ something else. I'm excited. We'll see how well it goes. My goal for tomorrow is 2,500/ Now I have to go be productive with everything else seeing as I spent the last few hours adventuring, trying on beautiful prom dresses for the hell of it, and writing. This is what it should be about. I'm 16, I'm allowed to go out and be ridiculous. I can be a teenage girl sometimes. :]

#22

I'm screaming softly,
Shouting endlessly,
Do they even know you, my dear?
Do I even know you?
I'm sorry I didn't take the time,
To listen to your silent screaming
You were dying from the inside out
And you were losing a fight
You never should have fought alone
Darling, please hold on
Don't let them take over just yet
It's going to be alright
I'm here this time, love
Step down, just breathe
This time around
I'll fight for you,
And I hope you remember I love you

I wish I could always be there, I wish I could see the hurt everytime it arrives and take it all away. I wish I could end it for all of you. But I can't, and a lot of the time, I'm too caught up in myself too even notice. But I'm here, always, and I love you all.

This is it

And we've reached the point where nothing will ever be
The same
So I hope you're happy with your choices, because
You'll never get back what used to be here.
You can't change my mind this time
And your words can't draw me in any longer
So I hope it was worth it
Because things have changed now
I'm not the same anymore
And you're not who anyone thought you were.

#21

So I came to the realistic nonrealization of a lot of things today. For once in my life., I don't care. For once, this melodramatic, over-emotional, teenage girl was emotionless. Not cut-off from emotion. Simply done letting certain thoughts and feelings over-ride her mine. I'm not sure if this will last, or for how long. Or perhaps, I've got it all wrong. Maybe it's just shock. But I don;'t believe so. This will take some getting used to, but I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay with that. For the first time in a long time, I'm going to be something else entirely. And I'm happy. I'm empty too, though. All of the extremities I've felt as of late are gone. Now I have to refill it with my creativity, my life, and my thoughts and memories. But right now I'm going to get something to drink cause I'm parched :] haha, and go watch Degrassi. Maybe even do this fucking homework...doubt it.

#20

Holy shit. Two months. All we've done is work, and now it's over? I just can't believe it. I hate the post-show feeling. It's another change to get used to. And it's always so weird, we work and work and work. Then it's over in just a couple nights. It was amazing though. We had a wonderful group of people, and I am beyond happy with how this worked out. The cast, directors, and crew were more than one can ask for. My sisters were able to come, and I got see two of my oldest best friends. And all of my other lovely friends and family came. I just can't believe it's done. And then there's all the other shit running through my head. But I need to go to bed, there's too much nostalgia, too many thoughts, and too much change right now. It's going to swallow me whole if I don't cut it off somehow, only way to do that is sleep. Although it's going to be another awful night, I know. But that's okay. It'll be alright. Good night I guess, sleep please come quickly, and actually stay with me through the entire night until like 10. I'm begging you.

#19

I just fucking had to leave my cast dinner because I couldn't breathe or stop tearing up. You are absolutely, completely ridiculous. I am so fucking upset with you right now, that I can barely get these words out. You can fuck off now. I hope you're happy. Good luck. Right now, I'm done. Tonight is the end of it. I can cry, breakdown, and scream. But after this that's it. I'm getting up tomorrow, and being me. I'm done. I'll make it through. And I'll be absolutely fine. But I'm going to do what's right for me. I've had people leave my life, this time it's my turn. I'm just....i don't know. I'm sorry, these words are capable of changing over and over. I have no idea. All I know is this...I don't feel like explaining. I need to wash this makeup off, get rid of the bobby pins in my hair, and go to sleep. Good night and goodbye.

This doesn't count

Holy shit, my last post was my 100th post on this blog. Just sayin, that's pretty sweet.

#18

The slightest hint of your presence is here

It's settling over top of myself 

Like dust collecting over untouched

Objects of the past

You're miles away

And yet you're right here

In this very room

I wish it were truly you

If only your silhouette had received

The ability to solidify

The translucent soul

A person

The person

The one who stood as my rock for years

The one who played Harry Potter with me

We shared midnights reading together

Played games under tables

Hid everywhere

We lost the same ones

Played all the games

Yet we know nothing of the other

Yet somehow, you became another one of my sisters

And now, 

Part of my heart resides too far from me

#17

Shit. So, here's the deal. I'm an idiot, i procrastinate obnoxiously. I need to prepare for a fucking ap psych quiz, find something to wear tomorrow, clean, make food, and sleep. So guess what. This is my post. Sorry.



=D

#16

~So help me, please someone come quick I think I am losing it Forgive me, I inherited this From a stranger i'll never miss~




So this is all that's left
You've gone away now,
And I know you won't be back
But we've got to move on somehow


You've disappeared into some oblivion
And noone will find you
And I'm so sick of you
You better hope they don't find you


Cause bitch I'm so done with you
And if I ever speak to you again
You'll be prayin they lock you up
Cause I've got a lot to say

So many words I want to say
You dirty , fucking thief
Fuck you
Kay?


This is so fucked up


~Here is my own family tradition Following footsteps into addiction So is there a way that i can find peace While still numbing my pain~


Sorry for the rant, I'm pissed off. Shocker. Anyways, I promise I'll try to put up something less pessimistic tomorrow. :D Good night.

#15

I totally stole this from a website, it's a writing prompt. You take a photo album, pick out the 14th photo, study it, then describe the way it makes you feel. Cheesy, but interesting. I'm using a photo album my aunt made me after my grandparents passed away. She personalized photo albums for me, my sisters, and couple cousins. They basically involve older family members we were closer to, and center around us. Mine even has the only pics of my parents wedding that I've seen. Anyway, here goes. I'll describe the photo, then the emotions it evokes.

He's dressed in his best suit, and she's in her white dress. Their mouths are hidden behind a small white basket of bright red roses, and clusters of baby's breath. Her short brown hair falls into her face. Both have upturned, smiling eyes. She holds her arm in front of her, trying to look cute. He's holding the basket up in front of them. He's slightly in front of her. It's a barely conceivable gesture of protection.

They are the picture of innocence. Smiling, laughing, and hiding bashfully. Two children, The scene is happy. What isn't happy about a wedding? It's a start. It's everything. They're a symbol for love. Yet, they're so ignorant. Oblivious. They'll never guess what's coming. They could never imagine that the people they smiled for would fall apart so quickly. The two are so beautiful, it kills me. They're happy, if only they knew it wouldn't last very long. Only a few confused, hidden years. It's so ironic their smiles are hidden, because they don't realize the smiles won't exist forever. Why doesn't innocence prevail? Somewhere along the road, we lose some part of ourselves. I wish I could warn them. Such awful moments are ahead of them. Soon enough they'll be surrounded drunk relatives, stolen money, overused prescription pills, weed, children without marriages, drugs, stealing, guns, fights, screams, stress, life, and all of it. These moments won't last. They won't even always be the best of cousins. Not at all. But right now, none of that exists. All they have is love, hope, and childhood. If only they knew.
If only we'd known our family was going to fall apart. If only we'd been able to save them. To help them. To stop them.

#14

~It all seems so contagious Not to be yourself and faceless In a song that has no soul~


I'm watching you and it's killing me. You're living a lie that you refuse to lose. You lost the ability to be you, you lost yourself in someone else. But that someone else is only using you. And I just want to make you see, this isn't you. You're beautiful and miserable at best. You don't need this, you don't deserve this. You're so much more, and you see nothing. You're blind, and I just wish I could open your eyes. Before it's too late. It's already too late for so much. Don't make it impossible to bring yourself back. I'm trying to help you, but you won't let anyone else in. And you're playing a dangerous game. Someone's guaranteed to be lost. Are willing to sacrifice that? If you are, then go right ahead. Play the game. But if you're not...give me the chance to show what they're doing to you. Take a step back. Because it's not fair to any of us. I hope you know I love you. And even though it might be too late, you're not alone. And you're not that one. You're so much more than you think you are. You're worth more than they're willing to give. So don't give in to someone who doesn't deserve you. Don't wait around for someone who does. Just be you, and be surrounded, and love. Someone will come along. Don't wait, don't search, and do not settle for anything less. Don't be afraid to let go. Sometimes you have to let go of someone to find your own self, or to take a next step, or meet someone else. Don't ever regret a mistake, you were lead somewhere. It's okay to be unsure, to fuck up, to get scared, to run away, to fall, to catch, to miss. But be careful. And overrall, love you, be you, and look out for you. But don't close yourself off. Don't shut people out. Just hang in there. It's not the end. It's only the beginning. 

#13

I walked out of the house. We would leave this place tomorrow with no inkling of where to head next. That was okay. We were together. We were safe, I was safe. I couldn't see, but I could hear, taste, and feel. I would experience every moment differently. And I would accept it. Like just now, I felt, rather than saw, a shooting star dart across the night sky in front of me. Making my wish tasted like the sweetness of a chocolate covered strawberry melting on my tongue. Two arms wrapped around my neck from behind me. I leaned back into his chest. The past was gone, but not forgotten. The present was dangerous and unpredictable. In doubting him, I had injured someone who loved me, someone who I loved. The future was not clear. We stood at a crossroad of decisions. I absorbed these facts into myself. Then I turned around to face the person standing behind me. I pressed my lips against him, slowly searching for his own. They were cool and soft. His arms held me. They kept me safe, not bound. I allowed him to lead me into the house. I wasn't capable of leading anymore. The next step was in their hands. For now, it was my job to learn how to live in a whole new way. In that moment, I yielded my safety to the care of five others.

#12

I'm too tired too think of something to write about so, 10 random things about moi.
1. I love storms with a passion, rain, thunder lightning, it amazes and cleanses and calms me.
2. The smell of old books is amazing. Books tell three stories, the one on the pages, the one behind the words, and created by all who owned, read, or held the book.
3.I'm probably going to join colorguard. This decision will probably result in bruises...everywhere :)
4. I need to stop noticing things I shouldn't.
5. I'm the kind of person who loves you despite your flaws, you could infuriate me and upset me and even more, but if something happened, or was wrong, I'd care, it hurts when I can't help. It's how I am, and I'm okay with it. This just happened with someone today, and kind of more than one person, but mostly a certain girl. Not that I've really even talked to her. And yet circumstances happened, I was less than happy with her, hearing what she may have said about me. Then I noticed something I probably shouldn't have. I just wish I could help. Kay, done ranting.
6. This is getting harder. Umm. I'm  running out of cool ideas for posts on this 30 days things.
7. I love mountain dew
8. Is it horrible that this one is harder than the other one about myself, the one with all the negative shit? anyway, ummmm, I'm about to go private spy/secret agent/ninja and hunt this one psycho bitch down. Don't even get me started.
9. I think I'm sleep deprived.
10. I have several addictions. Mountain dew, tea, reading, theatre, writing, and moree. :D

Yay, fini. Now off to bed. I'm so fucking weird.

#11

I promised myself I would never leave the truth unsaid again. And look what I did. Big surprise. There was so much to say. There always is. God, I knew you were hurting, and I didn't say what I should have. Not once. I've been doing that so much lately. I've nearly lost a lot of people by keeping things to myself, I've also let people in when I shouldn't have. I went about these situations all wrong. In the end we were all hurt. But out of all the shit that happened today, one good thing happened. Well one good change, I should say (good things did happen). I called you. This time I"ll speak up and say the things that should be said. I lost two people in my life in the past six months, and somehow got them back. And one other lost my trust, but hopefully that will change soon too. I'm so lucky it's phenomenal. The people in my life are amazing....and insane. Dear god, why do you guys put with me? Anyway I'm hopeful now, I'm letting go of some people, but I've also gained people. I'm going to hold on this time, and try to speak my mind more. I'm sorry.

Welcome back, hope. I missed you, it's been too long. Welcome back, myself. It's been too long. I'm done. And I'm back. I did it again. And my close friends still didn't hold against me. What the hell guys?

Anyway. I love you. Whoever's reading this, and to all the people who haven't read this.

Here goes nothin.
Tomorrow's a different day.
<3

#10

I had this ridiculous little notion
This silly little notion
Absurd little notion,
That I knew you
I used to believe
But you aren't who I thought you were
And honestly,
It must have all been
Created inside my head
Because
It was a ridiculous, silly, absurd, idea
That you were somebody
You aren't
So go right ahead
You're not foolin me anymore
And I've seen through all the masks and mirrors
And come to a conclusion
And truthfully,
I think you're the fool
So go right ahead
And let her ruin you,
Because I know you won't resist her.
And this time, I'll be standing on the side lines
Laughing
Because you're such a fool

But I promise you,
You're best friend will still stick around
It's the most I can do
Cause I can never prove this to you

#9

Gentle waves lapping
At the
Empty shore
Erasing footprinted proofs
Of our past
Presence

#8

So yea, I'm pissed off and I feel like ranting. Disregard these words.

Haha, really classy babe.
It's your personal shit,
Don't show it off to the world
Seriously, so not necessary
And honestly what the hell?
Grow the fuck up
And get over yourself.
I'm done with this.
Not worth my time,
Not even worth ten minutes in my mind
So sick of your shit
I hate this so much
I hate every second you spend in my thoughts
I hate your power over me
I hate you
Everything about you
I hate that you made me this way
And one other thing,little fucker
Do.
Not.
Ever.
Lie.
To.
Me.
Again.
Get your shit together
Figure yourself out
I'm done being in the middle of it
Or being part of it at all
Fuck off.