Way to ruin everything in one day, Jaime.

fucking fuck. I'm weak. Beyond weak. And I suck at this. I can't even. Ugh. All I do is make up excuses. And eat. And eat some more. I haven't shed a single pound this summer. Maybe two or three that fluctuate. I need a routine. A daily routine. Doing yoga, exercise, running. I need to do this. I have to get in shape.

Well

I need to start writing again, and I need an outlet. No one reads this anymore, obviously, seeing as I don't post anymore. So I'll start here, but I'll probably move somewhere else. I dunno. We'll see. This is my spot though, I can put up whatever the fuck I want.

This probably isn't healthy. I should probably stop. But I don't want to. It's sad isn't it? I'm a damn good actress though. They both believed my pathetic lie. Who would even try to guess the truth? Except yesterday, when someone noticed. When someone yelled at me, confronted me, said it was getting scary. But I blew it off perfectly. And I ate so damn much, she couldn't say anything else. I'm going to try, I really will, but I'm not where I want to be, but I'm so damn close, just a little farther please? Then I'll get better. I'm already closer than I was yesterday. This will not be for nothing. I kept getting stuck in one place for weeks, but I've grown impatient. But really, I only need like two more weeks (probably not even that). I'll stop soon, I promise. I just, it's...comforting. I can't write anymore, I'm done for now.

What would they say if they knew?

You are slowly losing breathe
The oxygen in your lungs just won't
Replenish quite right anymore
But you struggle,
Like a tide that cannot quite reach the shore,
You fight to catch that breathe
But your strength simply is not here,
Anymore.

Fuck this is pathetic, I cannot even write. Not even for you. I have no idea what I am right now. I would say I'm in denial, but if I was would I be able to say that I was this easily? It's like I don't even care. I'm not withdrawn, I'm not upset, I am nothing. Because I keep fighting it back. Every time the grief and the fear rises in me, I shove it back down. But one of these days, it is going to topple over me. And even I do not know what will happen when that dam breaks. I go to sleep every night wondering if someone will come wake me up to tell me she's gone. And yet I feel nothing. I have never been so detached that I could reason and explain it like this. Detaching should mean ignoring it. But instead I can do this: My grandmother is going to die. And I do not know when. And I am scared. And she is everything.
I can type that, I can think it, I can say it, but I cannot feel it. Honestly, it's not there. I don't even know what to say. I want to feel, I wonder what would happen if I made myself feel. You know, cause that's such a good idea. I hate how empty my words sound right now, because they are. Every word on here is fucking empty. Empty, basic, and meaningless. I can't even call it pathetic because it's barely here. And I'm still typing because I'm hoping to wring out some sort of emotion, something, anything by doing this.And yet, I have gotten nowhere. I just want to feel again god damnit.

Cool

So I'm going to complain. Get over it. Actually, just don't read this. I love seeing all the girls at the shows with their moms. It's a wonderful reminder of what mine never has been and never will be. It's a great reminder of the fact that my mom...you get the point. It sucks. And My grandma's sick, really, really sick. And I'm trying every day not to break down and it's so damn hard. And I don't think anyone is coming to my show. Not even my two best friends. Yay. Okay so my dad and little sisters might be there. And I really ought to get over it, it's no big deal. But I hate it, it makes this whole issue with my grandma even worse and leaves me feeling more alone than ever.. And I just want my mother to be like that. And now I'm crying, which would be good, since I've barely cried, except that I have five minutes to pull myself together. I doubt I'll go out at all tonight, I need to get home so I can break down for real, finally. Whatever, I'm done, bye.

The panic set in, for hours.
Breathing quickened, unhealthily.
Thoughts flitted back and forth.
Dangerous desires flooded.
She was decaying away.
But eyes passed over, never seeing
A thing.
Instead, she slipped by,
Unseen.
Unnoticed.
Invisible.
Until she was.
A touch on the back, and a compliment.
Then warmth outside.
Escape from a smothering cage.
Home to absence,
Yet to presence.
Phone calls from the past stole her,
And returned her to the present.
Yet, she still hid away.

This feeling is overwhelming. It is engulfing me. The loneliness is washing over me like waves crashing against a deserted pier. I am afraid to slip in, because if I do, it may never release me. I’m sorry, dear, but I’m afraid it is too late. The trap they laid for me, it was hidden all to well. I fell down a hole, tumbled into an abyss, stumbled into snares, and there is no quick release. I apologize, love, for all the pain that I have caused. The mistakes I made along the way quickly became unforgivable, so I will understand if you must leave. I felt the unseen stars soar through the air. They did not reveal themselves to me, because I scared them all away. I took the road less traveled and lost them without ever reaching my destination. 

I never post on here. My head is killing me, so here's a pathetic, shitty, mini-rant. I hate algebra two, I'm afraid for the final. Yet I've barely prepared. I need a 92 on my chem final to keep my A away from an A- and I didn't make my mole. My room looks like it was hit by tornado, I haven't even put my clothes away yet, let alone clean it. Wanna know what I have done? Sat on tumblr. Wrote. Kind of studied. Danced. Sung. Chatted with my awesome tumblr friends. Had a pity-party with myself. Yea, sucks. And gone ice skating and come home with two bruises a big scrape on my thigh and a slice on my finger. I had fun though. I just messed around, tried the one spin I never learned before I had to quit (also like the most basic) Failed. Did the one jump i know wonderfully. Did crazy fast laps for a long time. It felt good. I really did sustain a lot of injuries though. So yea, you see how unproductive I am. Fuck. So, yea. Oh and just to not break the trend *insert whiny, angsty, I have no friends, my life sucks, my mom's crazy quote here* Mkay. If you actually took the time to read this, I'm terribly sorry for the complete waste of your time. No, nevermind, I'm not. Have a nice night XD
Oh god, I am so weird right now.

She's Calling Out To You

Ho-oly shit. I don't even have the words to describe anything about the last few hours right now. I'm so...holy shit. You really don't even want to know. So...oh my god, I really don't even know what happened back there. Faith. It's a scary thing. Like, what the hell just happened? And then the whole mother thing. Haha, what?! Dude, I'm fucking confused beyond belief, and it's kind of hilarious, because I'm like this: eavgufjkhbuiojk3welhfrbwelrjhweuijnfbiuwe x10000. I don't even. Like, fuckkkkk. What just happened? Listening to this is a call on repeat, trying to sort out these thoughts. I don't have the words or the time for this. Nonetheless, I'm happy. Oh dear. I should go now.

With a pocket of stars and a head full of wishes, I will make these dreams come true.

Ew

So I'm sicker than I have been in a long time. Tfhis is the worst possible timing. I was up at 330 this morning, and went to the hospital with grandma at like 5. Until like 630. Then I went to school. I blamed everything on tiredness, until I was at rehearsal. So much fucking pain, and I couldn't stand up straight. Spent five minutes in the bathroom cause I was about to puke. Went home, focused on not dying while walking. Slept until like an hour ago. Dad's getting me medicine and I'm sleeping again. I can't see grandma tomorrow cause I'm sick. I have two quizzes tomorrow. A concert on Friday. ACT/MME next fucking week, and finals the week after that. This is so horribly timed. And I feel so infinitely miserable. I love my wonderful friends, seriously. You don't even know. And if I wasn't so sick, I'd be in like the happiest mood ever because they are wonderful. But, hopefully I'll be fine friday. This feels like the flu, and for me the flu never lasts long. Seriously, I haven't had the flu for longer than a few days in like years. Kinda lucky, and so I'm gonna convince my body to be better  by friday. Or I swear to god, I'm gonna kill it. We'll be fighting, let me tell you. Ha, okay, time to get ready to go sleep.

Big City Dreams

It's time to start dreaming again. I was always the kid with all these impossible dreams. In 5th grade through middle school, I dreamed big. I wanted to see the Ocean, and I did. I wanted to see Venice. Venice, Italy. Ha, like that was possible. I figured maybe ten years from now, if I'm lucky. No, I went to Europe right before 8th grade. I wanted to get out of my mother's house, and I did. I wanted to go to Chicago, and I did. Ride on a pirate-like ship. I did. I mean fuck. It's incomprehensible. I've made dreams come true, time and time again. Yet, somewhere along the way, I lost my ability to get it back. I stopped setting goals, stopped dreaming. But, I've started again. Some aren't likely, some are. But I'm listing them out. Not here, in my wonderful, now decorated moleskine. :D Paige gave me a silver sharpie. I wrote my favorite WiL Francis poem on the back, and Love on the front. I'll probably spontaneously add things as well. I have a purple pen to write with too. I love it. So yea, I haven't wrote on here in quite some time, I decided I should. I've been neglecting this blog a bit. But from now on, I'm setting goals, being productive, and dreaming. Big.

Absence

They have become puppets of ignorance.
They wear masks and bleed ink-filled hopelessness.
With eyes staring blankly, they see all lies.
Through the night they only hear woeful cries.
Smiles reflect grotesque imitations
That are void of any true sensations.
Striving for perfection, the fall away,
Believing they have nothing to say.

I wrote this in algebra 2 today, it isn't even finished. Sadly, it's the first thing I have written in ages. I haven't been capable of writing anything lately. I'm too busy searching for answers to questions that I keep trying to avoid. I usually have the answers, not all of them, but most. Lately, I have none. I'm so lost, and it's tearing me apart. I'm terrified. So much has happened, and it doesn't end. I'm terrified beyond all belief, of so many things. It's spinning out of hand. I wish I knew what to do, but I don't even know how to find the answers. This is tripping me up. Life is pulling the ground out from beneath my feet and I'm tumbling into a void that's unknown, and yet known. I just...I don't even know. I need to get away, far away, to go do some serious soul-searching. Completely off topic, I really want to do this law and csi program in D.C. that I got nominated for this summer, but I don't think if we can afford it. It's incredibly frustrating. This thing is so perfect for me. Can someone up there send me some answers, or at least make me feel a little less alone. I'll keep fighting and keep trying, but can I get some progress? Please. If not, can I at least get some adventure, acceptance, or a lessening of this loneliness? S'il vous plait. Anyway, I should get off.

Abuela

I thought I could handle this. Dad said it isn't hospice, but dear god. I can't do this. Not here. In my house. So many memories. All the oxygen, the hospital bed, I can't even touch you for a week without gloves, damnit. I've already been through this process so many times. And i've dealt with hospice twice. Sure, this isn't hospice but it sure as hell looks like it. I thought I could handle it, up until the ambulance brought you inside. On a stretcher. A fucking stretcher. And you smiled at us. But god I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I can't lose you grandma. We need you. This is awful, I don't know if I can do it. I can't breathe right now, not even a little. I can't do this. I can't. And I can't call my cousin, she doesn't need to worry while she's at school. So what the hell do I do? Make this stop, someone. Please. Don't do this. It's hitting me, and oh god all the past images from times before are flashing in my head. I need to calm down, I have to calm down. Oh god, please don't take her. I'm not ready for that. Seeing her like this is bad enough. And she's going to be here, in my house, every day. I just wanna throw my arms around her and kiss her. I can't. She's contagious for a week. Damn hospital giving her an infection. Everything was already bad enough. Fuck. Just fuck everything. And it's too cold and snowy to go for a walk, I'm gonna need out of this house a lot. Or I  might suffocate. I'm so scared. Okay.Okay, I can kinda breathe. Now just relax. It's gonna be okay Jaime.

Abuelita

A delicate, braided chain of gold.

A minsicule elephant

Made of immortal ivory.

Sign of luck.

Yet, even more. 

Traced through generations.

In our own secret history.

Already passed down, to me.
Pressed close to this chest,
In hopes that the sheer, willful, strength of my
Ancestors will pour into me.
Illness is setting into a woman who truly beholds
Beauty.
Beauty that surpasses common belief of
Antiquity.
A face creased with lines of worry,
Laughter,
And love.
Creases that have yet to fill with
Dust.
A body wearing down,
From years of life.
Slowly, subtly withering away,
But the spirit continuously burns brighter.
Lived too long,
Loved too much,
To fall away, just yet.

Grandma, I love you. Hang on for us, please.

Lets Make These Big City Dreams Come True

I cant believe we're actually planning this. It will never work. My father couldn't possibly agree to it. And I honestly think it'd hurt him. But I'd be home on weekends. And days off. I just want to get away. I'm tired of things. And I don't think staying is healthy. I'm worried about my goddamn self. If I lived with my best friend, maybe things could be better. I don't want to leave a few people. But perhaps it's for the best. They'll forget me in a few years any way. This will just be a head start. And I would still visit and come to shows. I could get involved in a new school. I'd know these people for a year. A year isn't long enough to get close to anyone. Not close enough to see the real them. Or for them to see the real me. It'd be easier that way. Just like it's easier if I leave this year. Not that many will care that much anyway. I'm not saying people won't, not at all. I'm just saying...it's not a big difference. I'm one person. And besides, it'd be better if I left. For everyone involved. I sound ridiculous right now. I can't believe we're planning this. And it would work. If I didn't have every requirement I'd have no problem taking an online course or two. I'd have a whole new theatre group to impress. I could start over, be someone else. Live with my best friend. It would work. We're getting all the information. But there's only a sliver of a chance that my father will allow it. And how do I even present such an idea to him? I'll do it academically of course. There's a chance, a shimmer of hope. But maybe, just maybe, things will look up. And I'll have no desire at all to leave. Until then I hold fast to the miniscule beam of hope. The hope that this pieced together dream won't fall a part at the seams.

Let's Blow This Town

As much as I hate it, I wish I could leave. Honestly at the moment all I want to do is peace the fuck outta here. Live with Paige, go to Saline senior year, then take off. All of this is exhausting. And there isn't much holding me to Trenton anymore. A few people, a couple classes, and theatre. And to be honest, yea there are people I'd miss. I think they'd miss me too, but they'd get over it. It's not some big deal, not really. I don't have some mass amount of friends that would like freak out if I left. And Saline has a drama club, and way more classes. Had the idea been offered to me last year, I doubt I would have hesitated to take it...okay maybe I would have. But now,    things are different. I just want to escape this place. I really don't belong here. Not in this house, at this school, or in this city. Yea, I know I'm overreacting. It's called life. I'm 17, I'm not supposed to fit in anywhere. And yea, it's no big deal. Yea, I should suck it up. But I don't feel like it. I feel like I'd be better off there, coming home on the weekends. Paige wold probably hate me though, haha. Really  though. I just want to leave. What's holding me here anyway? Besides my father. I honestly don't know anymore. On another note, I'm tired of outgrowing these bars. Can't someone come teach me how to fly? Can't we try defying gravity? I'm ready for some adventure in this life. I'm ready to kiss this place goodbye.

Dreams

One day, I'm going to go to Disney World. You used to promise us you'd take us there, every year. We had a jar in the living room. It was filled with coins. Every time we had change, putting into that jar was one of the most exciting things I could experience. You always told us, next year. I wonder what happened to that money. I don't think I will I ever know. What I do know, is how much I hated it when you promised my little sister. I knew that dream wouldn't come true. Why did you have to get her hopes up? But none of that matters. None of the other circumstances circling that period matter. What matters is this: One day, I'm going to go to Disney World. Not alone, with my three sisters. We'll fulfill that dream together instead. My nieces too. And maybe, my other two little sisters. The point is, we'll go. At the very least the four of us will. When I have kids, I won't be mother. For many reasons, but the point here, I won't break promises. I won't shatter dreams. And I won't be her in any other ways either. Perhaps we're older now, but we'll still enjoy the magic. The awe-inspiring, imaginative creation will be ours. Until that day, we won't stop dreaming. To my family, friends, and babies, I love you. Don't stop dreaming, believing, or creating. Hope. Love endlessly, live effortlessly, and dream without abandon. Our lives are simply creations from our own minds. They are intricate webs of design drawn out of deep recesses of minds. We connect each moment with our own actions and our own interpretations. We are in control. So stay strong, stay alive. So many live, without living. But we won't take these gifts for granted.

Seriously

I cannot believe people actually read this. I mean other than the like four people that I'm aware of. There's others. I'm in awe. Just sayin. So yea. I have a procrastination problem. Fo real. How do I get A's? Seriously, like what the fuck. Anyway, peace out.

Kiss Hazel Eyes Goodbye

I'm searching hopelessly in
Unlit corners,
On and on.
I can't find
You.
These hazels eyes
Useless, now.
Your soul was lost to
An everlasting light.
I hear your 
Cries.

Fallen angels
Forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that
Failed this time.
Riding out on waves of
Consciousness
Blind.
You are the tears I'll never find.

And I never could save you,
Yet,
I Refused to let you near enough
To see
Me.
And now you're floating over me.

Too afraid
That you were not who anyone thought you were
With all the masks and facades
Both of us are no more than petty
Lies
But when I dream, I see your eyes.

Fallen angels
Forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that
Failed this time.
Riding out on waves of
Consciousness
Blind.
You are the tears I'll never find.

I cannot find you.
Questions burning in this mind
Realizing that,
You have left this life
Your spirit begins to fly.

I'll be shaking through the night,
No one to wrap my arms around so tight
you severed these nonexistent
Ties.
But lying there, I hear your sighs
Fallen angels
Forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that
Failed this time.
Riding out on waves of
Consciousness
Blind.
You are the tears I'll never find.

I was wrong to say you weren't
Who we expected you to be
When no one tried to see
You
It's too late to say our goodbyes.

You'd told us,
'I believe in angels'
The truth was hidden
behind fake smiles and lies
You chased after fallen angels
and all I hope is instead you
Rise

Fallen angels
Forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that
Failed this time.
Riding out on waves of
Consciousness
Blind.
You are the tears I'll never find.

Broken martyrs
Forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that
Failed this time
Riding out on waves of
Sacrifice
Blind.

Your soul is lost to an everlasting light
Goodbye, goodnight.




Song written by myself, with quite a bit of help by Louis, who happens to have written the chords for it as well as sing it amazingly. Video soon perhaps. Oh and I don't think that's gonna be the title, it just kinda hit me so I put it up there. It sounded cool :p

Reconnect

I hope you remember me,
It's been a year,
Two?
Nearly three.
We spent
Every day together
For years.
I grew up with the two of you,
I was a big sister,
I was the girl next door.
It's strange how time changes things,
Changes people.
It's a shame really.
So many memories
I hold in that place.
It's become a dust-filled drawer
Left unopen,
For reasons I can't understand
I'm reaching out to both of you,
Once again,
Pulling open that drawer,
Immersing myself in a life left behind
In hopes that we can still be friends.

I felt

like I was going to soar today. Today felt good. I felt good. Better than good. I'm breathing easy, and I'm soaring up again. Then you texted me. And you know what, it didn't bring me down. It may not have brought me up, but it didn't bring me down. And that, that is another reason to feel this good. I'm ready to take on the world today.

Keep Holding On

I really can't get you out of my head. I'd thought about it before, but that comment awhile ago..I can't shake it. "I gained a pound yesterday just from that slice of pizza." I don't think anyone noticed, but I did. And I knew there was more behind it. I can see the lie behind your eyes. I know what you're doing, even if it is unintentional sometimes. I didn't say anything. What could I say? I don't know. And yo wouldn't listen to me, I've seen you. You get defensive, putting yo on the defensive wouldn't help. I try to comment on you regularly. You deserve comments. Everyone does. I'm worried. I know what it's like to sit and say to yourself, don't do it, don't eat, just skip this meal. I know what it's like to feel disgusting after eating food. To look at yourself and hate the image in the mirror. I know what it's like to have to force yourself to stay away from food, or only eat this, or just skip dinner tonight, or skip desert, or only eat one chocolate. It's okay to skip a meal, it's okay to feel icky sometimes. But it's not okay to take it to an extreme, or even almost an extreme. It's not okay to obsess over it. To despise yourself. It's not okay to measure your meals, to skip eating all the time. I know it's hard, trust me I actually do. It's harder than most people realize. But you have to fight, because you're beautiful, and you need to stay healthy. And if you want to feel better about yourself, that isn't going to help. It's only going to make you feel worse and worse. If you continue, you'll deteriorate. Obsessing only adds to the lack of self-esteem. If you eat healthy and act healthy you can feel healthy. I know it's hard to change your mind-set, but you can do it. Little by little. I know you can, you're strong enough, and you aren't alone. I'll be here, trying to help from the sidelines. I should probably tell you this, but I don't know how. Is it my place? I'll keep commenting, keep making sure you eat something, keep talking, but perhaps if I gain the courage I'll fully confront you. But it will be in a way that won't send you running either.

I hate society for doing this to us. It's wrong. Let's show them how wrong it is. Girls, you are beautiful. You take someone's breathe away. You impact people when you walk by. You're influential. Important. You're significant. You're gorgeous. Intelligent. Confident. Unique. All of the above. Don't let them tear you down. This time, prove them wrong.

So. I don't really have anything to say. I'm merely posting to please Jenna. :D anyway...um. Yea I'm kind of disappointed, not gonna lie. But whatever, I'll suck it up and live with it.
Side not, I miss you. Is it weird that I think of you when I see a yogurt commercial? I remember the time I wanted to eat healthy so you kept buying yogurt, one time you accidentally bought the fruit on the bottom kind. That shit's nasty, just sayin. It's such a pointless memory, but I miss grocery shopping with you. I miss you,
I wanna go back to the time when you were calm. We could talk. We shopped, talked, watched tv, did nothing. You used to know me. Like you were supposed to. You knew what I would want, what I would wear, how I would react, when I needed a break. God, I miss it so much. But those moments were scattered. Remember when we ate at bangkok 96? You still remember it's my favorite restaurant. I pray one day, (soon?), we can go back there. We can eat lunch and shop, like a mother and daughter should. I can talk to you. I can fight with you. Yell at you. Argue. But instead of arguing about your mistakes, it'd be about me. I'd want to do something, or we'd disagree. Something normal like that. I keep crying, and I hate it. But everywhere I look, I can't get away from talk about mothers. Every joke, half the things my friends like, it includes, your mom or the mom. So many stories. I hear them all the time. I see my friends with their mothers, and it just isn't right. It's not fair. I think it'd be easier if I didn't know what I was missing out on. Honestly, part of me wishes we'd never had those moments. Because at least then I wouldn't know what it was like. I wouldn't miss it so much. It just isn't fucking fair. I hate it. All of this, it's so wrong. And yea, I have aunts, sisters, paige's mom. But it's not the same. Trust me. So far from it. My aunt was going to get her wedding dress with her mom last week...I'll probably never get that chance. I remember my sisters and stepsisters talking to my mom about guys, and about my nieces all throughout the years. I won't have that. I went with my aunt to visit my cousin at school. They stayed up all night talking. My aunt kept taking us out places. She took my cousin shopping for everything she needed...My mom won't be doing that two years from now. I accept it, but it hurts. Fuck, sorry. I'm gonna stop ranting now.

To an Unnamed Friend

You can't see the sadness in her eyes,
When you ignore the most obvious
Subtle hints
That she feels like she's dying inside,
You can't see the pain behind the smile
If you don't even try to hear her words.
Stop allowing someone else
To pull the strings attached to your
Frail limbs.
You won't ever know her,
If you continue to assume
You know everything there is to know.
You'll never deserve her,
I promise you that.

Bleh, don't ask. So, um. Too much say, too much sleep needed to say it. Cast list tomorrow. Moi=Alice. S'il vous plait. Yea, not happening, but I'm not giving up hope. No matter what part I get, I'll commit to it, and love it, I know that. I love theatre. I'll be happy to be a part of it no matter what. Anyway. G'night. I've really been posting too much lately. Kinda.Whatever. Bye.

I'm done being deceived. This time around I'll prevent it before it even has a chance to set in. I will not let this happen again. I'm done with it. I'm protecting myself this time around. The way I should have a lone time ago. No more of this. I doubt I'll keep this up, but I can try right. Time will tell I guess.


Just to avoid a misunderstanding, if you're reading this, it has nothing to do with you, I can promise you that.

Lies

~I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend~ If only you'd known it wouldn't that way. Perhaps you'd have known better. Stopped before the mistake was made. There's nothing lucky about love my dear.

Revival

So, I've had a spurt of inspiration, hopefully it will stay with me for an extended period of time. I plan on working on several writing projects again. You know what's sad, I still haven't started working on my outline. I'd say I'm irresponsible, but the truth is, I'll have it done tomorrow, and it'll probably be pretty good. Nonetheless, the procrastination habit needs to end. It's worse because lately I have no motivation to do anything more than what I have to at a given moment. I'm growing infinitely lazy. I've been working on it, but once I'm alone, in my room...certain thoughts and memories set in. Still, the pressure will be on tomorrow, so I'll get my shit together then. Hopefully, some writing will progress as well. I'm sick and tired of drama, hypocrites, liars, and all the other typical teenage idiots. I'm not even going to get into it right now, if I do I will become monumentally pissed and rant for an hour. On another note, my audition is tomorrow. As always, I'm ridiculously excited and nervous. I wish I could get Alice, but seriously, there's no way. It just won't happen...not don't psych yourself out. Never good...still. Please, theatre gods, grant me this wish? It's all I desire at this moment. I beg you. Kay enough of that. I'm out, maybe I'll do something productive...haha yea right.

I need

To learn how to stick to my commitments.

Tonight

Let's stay up tonight,
Fill the air with excited whispers like
We're little kids again,
Let's stay up tonight,
Just to see the start of
Tomorrow's sunrise,
Let's stay up tonight,
So this moment can never end,
We'll pretend this life isn't movin,
And we're never growin up.
Let's stay up tonight,
And dream together,
We'll talk about running away from here,
Traveling everywhere,
Getting away from these small towns,
We'll dream,
And we'll believe it.
Let's stay up tonight,
And pretend reality isn't
Waiting for us in the morning.
We'll stay up tonight,
Leaving the window open,
Because perhaps it's possible,
A simple boy could
Teach us how to fly away from here,
And we'll leave this all behind,
To fly inside our dreams.
We're staying up tonight.

Expectations

Communication is a two way street. You cannot expect me to inform you have something without ever telling me you want me to tell you. You cannot expect to perform an action you never inform me you want done. I'm sick and tired of this. And I'm sick of you being as rude as possible every time I attempt to make the necessary communication. You know what's said, I don't remember the last time you even said my name. We live in the same fucking house. You never say my name to get my attention. It's not even necessary because you rarely communicate with me. You never inform me of what's happening, what your plans are, nothing. Yet you have all these expectations, you never even tell me about. You converse with me through my father, not to my face. I've never heard you say my name in any conversation. I'm always, always "her" or "she. I'm not even used to hearing my own name, the majority of the time. This is exasperating. I attempt communication, but it's so hard when you make me feel this uncomfortable. My father's sick of me hiding in my room, but it's not like I'm comfortable anywhere else. This is ridiculous, and what's worse is I can not wait to move out. I hate that feeling, I want to be content here. But I'm not. I'm so completely, indefinitely sick of this. Whatever. Back to my homework.

~ Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully ~

~ Memorize your favorite poem ~

~ Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want ~

~ When you say, "I love you", mean it ~

~ When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye ~

~ Be engaged at least six months before you get married ~

~ Believe in love at first sight ~

~ Never laugh at anyone's dreams ~

~ Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely ~

~ In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling ~

~ Don't judge people by their relatives. "NO KIDDING" ~

~ Talk slow but think quick ~

~ When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" ~

~ Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk ~

~ Call your mom ~

~ Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze ~

~ When you lose, don't lose the lesson ~

~ Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions ~

~ Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship ~

~ When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it ~

~ Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice ~

~ Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills 

will be as important as any other ~

~ Spend some time alone ~

~ Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values ~

~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer ~

~ Read more books and watch less TV ~

~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time ~

~ Trust in God but lock your car ~

~ A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home ~

~ In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past ~

~ Read between the lines ~

~ Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality ~

~ Be gentle with the earth ~

~ Pray. There's immeasurable power in it ~

~ Never interrupt when you are being flattered ~

~ Mind your own business ~

~ Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss them ~

~ Once a year, go someplace you've never been before ~

~ If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction ~

~ Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck ~

~ Learn the rules then break some ~

~ Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other ~

~ Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it ~

~ Remember that your character is your destiny ~

~ Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon~

"We were merely freshmen"

Proved her point

Redefining

Each and every one of us

Gone

Now

And we

Never had a chance to say goodbye

Crying, finally

Years later, still haunted.

She told

Us, 

"I believe in angels." We were,

Confused, but we smiled.

I never thought to read between those

Deceiving lines.

Each of us believed the lies. 

"Turn Around Bright Eyes"

Stars shine,
Brighter than ever before.
Like some sort of sign,
Sparks are preparing to soar.

I'm so sorry dear,
I never foresaw
Us ending up here.
My own fatal flaw.

Every character is entitled to one.
But it seems my story handed me,
More flaws than necessary.
Still, I never thought you would run.

Shoutout

I know this girl. She's beautiful, she has a body, but she doesn't see it that way.Everyone else does. She knows what to say to me, without judging me. She knows exactly how to reassure me. You aren't some stupid magazine example of a girl. You're a unique, gorgeous woman. You're headstrong. You fight to be heard, and you fight to speak. If you think it, you say it. You fight inside, and you take too much shit. You can't stand yourself sometimes, and I don't understand how. Because to me you're something else. You are so much more than you see. I know you're afraid, but it will be okay. You're going to go far. Don't sell yourself short.

I know this girl. She's beautiful, she's tiny, but she's got spirit. She's someone I wish I saw and knew better. She takes the time to read everyone's blog that she has. She comments on almost all of my posts(sorry for making this one so obvious). And her words are so encouraging. She made me realize someone was listening and someone cared. I bet you've done that for a lot of other people even if you don't know it. You aren't stupid, you're a teenage girl, being a teenage girl. You are strong, ridiculously so. And smart, if you weren't you wouldn't recognize the things that you do. You're sweet, and ridiculous, and way too caring. You're influential. That I can say for sure. Keep staying strong, love yourself, hang on tight. You're someone who not many people have figured out, but that's okay. Get ready, cause you're getting far in this life.

I know this girl. She's beautiful. She's short, and fiesty, don't judge her size. She's careful, sometimes too much so. Somehow she can listen to me go on and on freakin out. It can be worse than this blog. She's someone I know I can rant to. Someone who won't judge or spread shit. You're so much more complicated than people think, yet more simple than you expect. You're scared, I know. And you don't trust very much. You have so much to say, don't keep it all inside, there's more to you than meets the eye. You're beautiful and  wonderful. You have so much to give, and so much to love. You are more than you realize. But I wish you would trust me, and see that as well. You're so strong, I admire it. I know you don't always think you are, but you are. You don't take shit, and you're mature beyond your years. Look up, okay? There's a lot in store for you.

I know this girl. I've known her for years. She's beautiful, and I've been lucky enough to see her change over the course of 7 and a half years. We've lived through way too much together, seen too much. I know her way too well, but that took seven years. You are so amazing, we have an infinite amount of memories, and more to come. You've seen every side of me, things no one else has, you've stuck by me too. We've fought, but shit, that happens after this long ya know? You're someone I better know for the rest of my life. You're my maid of honor and my sister. You're quiet, but you're not shy. You passionate about your beliefs and headstrong. You've grown so much. You are so strong, you fought, you kept fighting. You didn't let anxiety, or fear, or anything else stop you. That's strength. You're an independent woman. You're ready to take on this world. You can handle much more than you think you can. You are so beautiful, so mature, and so significant. I swear, if I'd never met you...well I probably wouldn't be here right now. You have so much to give, and you're gonna go so far. The world better get ready, cause here we come. Stay strong, stay beautiful.

All of these girls read this, I have no idea who else(if anyone does). So I put this up here so they would see. They know who they are. I love all of them, infinitely. I'm beyond happy to have them in my life. I know each of them in a different way, and have known them for different amounts of time. But they all deserved this. I hope that I will grow closer to them, and that I'll continue talking to and knowing them some number of years down the road. None of you forget how wonderful, unique, and loved you are.
Kay sentiment over, now I'll do that homework.

This Is Not You

I think the insomnia that took over my life during break is back. I'd be stressed, except I'm not. This diet change is making me feel good. I feel  better about myself, my health, and I feel accomplished. I believe, for once I may have started several things I will follow through with this time around. I'm procrastinating a bit too much right now, but that's okay because I'm not going to sleep much tonight. I've realized my mind is not going to allow me to sleep until I get serious and get my feet on the ground. It's also time for me to stop hiding thoughts from myself. And not by letting in the same things every time I tell myself this. Perhaps I won't recover the memories I can't remember. If I don't it's for a good reason. If I do, it's because I was able and ready to handle it. When I was up north, I spent quite a large amount of time straining my brain. Trying to force it to remember. I want answers. I want to know exactly what happened. I'm not going to elaborate on this, because frankly I have never talked about it directly and I've known since 5th grade. I was quite the...angry child back then. I spent last night crying, finally. Sure, I've complained about my mother for weeks, I freaked after the phone call on  new year's eve, but I haven't cried since before thanksgiving, when I hadn't heard from her in a month. Last night, instead of being angry, irritated, upset, or stressed, I grieved. I grieved for the woman I will miss. The one who doesn't exist anymore, the one who has lost herself in her own mind. Instead of calling up the wrongs she did, I remembered every good, happy moment. And I cried, and I'm glad, because I have every right to cry. I'm getting somewhere. Maturing for the first time in awhile. Minus that little tirade to Paige about college and change and life. It's scaring the living shit out of me. But that's okay too.  I'm really happy right now. I'm confused, freaking, psychotic, exasperating, dramatic, and emotional still. But I'm happy. I'm excited, eager. I feel good. We're fighting, and we're winning. Despite every negative moment existing right now. Despite the proximity of those in denial. Despite the work, the exhaustion, and the pain. There's a light outside my window. And like a dear friend of mine said, an angel on my shoulder. I feel it, the light, it's here. I'm just about ready for anything that can be thrown at me.
Just a last thought, I hate using the word thing in writing. Hate it. Yet, I do it on a regular basis. Not okay.
Anyway, I guess I'll go be productive.

HaI bRaH wAsSuP

I hate when people type like that, anyway, just so ya'll know, I have a tumblr. realityisanillusion.tumblr. com
check it out if you're bored, curious, sick of my rants, or some creepy 40 year old man who likes little boys...on second thought, if you're one of those I'd really appreciate if you stayed the hell away from my blog. Kaythanks. That's all. I guess I'll go do my homework..

I reflected today, and I know I'm a day late, but I've come up with new year's resolutions. It's so cliche, the whole process of making a resolution every January 1st. And no one ever follows through, I don't see the point honestly. And yet, I've set goals for myself, once again. Perhaps this time, I'll follow through. I want to become a vegetarian. For now, I'm cutting beef and pork out of my diet. And honestly I'm going to try to not eat chicken or fish very often, but my dad refuses to let me take those out of my diet. Besides, I need to see if I can do this. I have to be careful too. No need to get sick. Once again, I'm vowing to start exercising regularly. We'll see how that goes. Finish at least one book a month, that's easy, but hopefully it'll get me to some classic literature. Write something, anything once a day. Let go this time. Take more pictures. See my family more. Meditate. Be more carefree. Exercise patience. Live for me. Do homework on time. Take care of myself. Do more for the community. Be more creative. Stay optimistic. Dream. Figure out where I'm going to school.
So yea. There go.

'Turn Around Bright Eyes'

It's a new year. I'm not going to post a big post about what last year was, and what this year will be. I'm exercising that little 'live in the present' tactic I keep getting to told to use. So for the present I'm going to attempt to get some much needed sleep so I can be productive tomorrow.

Sorry, I know this was pointless, I just felt like I had to post something, seeing as it is 2011 and all.
So I typed this up, and woke up to see I never clicked post. I amuse myself. Welp, I'm posting now. First blog of 2011, totally pointless, and lame :D