You are slowly losing breathe
The oxygen in your lungs just won't
Replenish quite right anymore
But you struggle,
Like a tide that cannot quite reach the shore,
You fight to catch that breathe
But your strength simply is not here,
Anymore.

Fuck this is pathetic, I cannot even write. Not even for you. I have no idea what I am right now. I would say I'm in denial, but if I was would I be able to say that I was this easily? It's like I don't even care. I'm not withdrawn, I'm not upset, I am nothing. Because I keep fighting it back. Every time the grief and the fear rises in me, I shove it back down. But one of these days, it is going to topple over me. And even I do not know what will happen when that dam breaks. I go to sleep every night wondering if someone will come wake me up to tell me she's gone. And yet I feel nothing. I have never been so detached that I could reason and explain it like this. Detaching should mean ignoring it. But instead I can do this: My grandmother is going to die. And I do not know when. And I am scared. And she is everything.
I can type that, I can think it, I can say it, but I cannot feel it. Honestly, it's not there. I don't even know what to say. I want to feel, I wonder what would happen if I made myself feel. You know, cause that's such a good idea. I hate how empty my words sound right now, because they are. Every word on here is fucking empty. Empty, basic, and meaningless. I can't even call it pathetic because it's barely here. And I'm still typing because I'm hoping to wring out some sort of emotion, something, anything by doing this.And yet, I have gotten nowhere. I just want to feel again god damnit.