I think the insomnia that took over my life during break is back. I'd be stressed, except I'm not. This diet change is making me feel good. I feel better about myself, my health, and I feel accomplished. I believe, for once I may have started several things I will follow through with this time around. I'm procrastinating a bit too much right now, but that's okay because I'm not going to sleep much tonight. I've realized my mind is not going to allow me to sleep until I get serious and get my feet on the ground. It's also time for me to stop hiding thoughts from myself. And not by letting in the same things every time I tell myself this. Perhaps I won't recover the memories I can't remember. If I don't it's for a good reason. If I do, it's because I was able and ready to handle it. When I was up north, I spent quite a large amount of time straining my brain. Trying to force it to remember. I want answers. I want to know exactly what happened. I'm not going to elaborate on this, because frankly I have never talked about it directly and I've known since 5th grade. I was quite the...angry child back then. I spent last night crying, finally. Sure, I've complained about my mother for weeks, I freaked after the phone call on new year's eve, but I haven't cried since before thanksgiving, when I hadn't heard from her in a month. Last night, instead of being angry, irritated, upset, or stressed, I grieved. I grieved for the woman I will miss. The one who doesn't exist anymore, the one who has lost herself in her own mind. Instead of calling up the wrongs she did, I remembered every good, happy moment. And I cried, and I'm glad, because I have every right to cry. I'm getting somewhere. Maturing for the first time in awhile. Minus that little tirade to Paige about college and change and life. It's scaring the living shit out of me. But that's okay too. I'm really happy right now. I'm confused, freaking, psychotic, exasperating, dramatic, and emotional still. But I'm happy. I'm excited, eager. I feel good. We're fighting, and we're winning. Despite every negative moment existing right now. Despite the proximity of those in denial. Despite the work, the exhaustion, and the pain. There's a light outside my window. And like a dear friend of mine said, an angel on my shoulder. I feel it, the light, it's here. I'm just about ready for anything that can be thrown at me.
Just a last thought, I hate using the word thing in writing. Hate it. Yet, I do it on a regular basis. Not okay.
Anyway, I guess I'll go be productive.
=]
ReplyDelete