I want to be excited for Christmas, but I can't be. Not for any ridiculous depressing reason. I just...it's...blah, I really can't verbalize myself today, Yay for gibberishy ranting blogs. It's just...everything's different ya know? We're older, blah blah blah. I could go on, but I'll start to sound like a broken record. Although really, why should I care bout that? Hmm. It's just, it's not that I'm not excited, it's that it doesn't feel like Christmas. Not at all. Nothing feels like anything. Every moment that happens feels empty, no not empty. Just...different. It's like half of me is somewhere else. Or rather on third of me is there, another third elsewhere, and the last third somewhere else. And nothing feels the same. Everytime I do something, I'm like in a daze. Ugh this sounds more depressing than it should. It's not, it's just, I don't know. I'm a daydreamer, I really am. I think it disconnects me from reality a little bit. Not in some awful unhealthy way. Just in one that leaves me feeling like...ugh I cannot describe this. What is my issue today? I think it's cause I'm starving to death. I want taco bell. Dude I would get sooo fat working on taco bell. Speaking of which I scared myself by using my dad's scale (didn't know it was broken) which told me I'd gained ten pounds in the last two weeks. Yea not true. Haha. Wowwwww I'm a little ADHD today too. Squirrel. Kay back on track. All of this, whatever this is, is leaving my mind very confused. Especially since my mind keeps trying to question the universe, god, life, existence, souls, meaning, everything. I keep stopping it. Reading, distracting myself, creating a story in my head, anything. Cause seriously, I can't just let those thoughts run rampant unless I'm in a car or speaking them aloud to someone. And there are few people I will bestow that torture on. Although, I must say it's quite amusing. Rather like this post. It's ridiculous, awful, grammatically incorrect, and completely lacking in anything of significance cause I'm doing that whole stopping my idiot, curious, manic, insane mind of mine. It's quite frustrating, although very fun. And interesting. And I think I sound really, really schizophrenic right now. Or maybe in the manic phase of bipolar disorder. I should stop now, so I can preserve some teensy inkling of my readers' belief that I'm sane. But seriously, sanity is boring. I want to live, question, fight, scream, dream, create, be melodramatic, be overemotional, and think. A couple hundred years ago, I would've been declared insane, or burned as a witch. Probably the latter. But today, my insanity is one that is actually semi-accepted among some people. And besides, this is how I want to live my life. I'll take to the fullest. I'll fall, fuck up, do everything wrong, go crazy, but I'll learn and grow and experience. Anyway, I should post something that lives up to my actual writing potential sometime soon. I'll think bout it, but for now I NEED food. Oh and check out my tumblr. .realityisanillusion.tumblr.com. As of now it shouldn't have any rants, maybe some meeaningful writings, but mostly cool shit I find online, around me, or create. Well g'nite. Happy Holidays. Cause you shouldn't wish random strangers merry christmas, they might not be christian, although i do know most atheists celebrate the christmas holiday time anyway. So Happy Holidays is more appropriate to me. Wow random. Haha, my attention span is so gone. Kay getting off. Yea. Peace out.