Eclipse of the Mind?

It's almost 2:30, but I can't sleep. And I'm afraid to try because then the thoughts may never stop. I feel bad, I keep waking Paige up. She's probably going to kill me in the morning, if lack of sleep doesn't do the job first. I don't understand this. How can you feel like you should be in a certain place, if that place was never good. What if you hated something. And all you wanted to do was get away. What if you screamed, cried, fought, prayed, everything. And then one day, you finally gained the ability to leave. Wouldn't you want to never go back? If you were completely happy where you were, why would it feel wrong? How come everytime I close my eyes when I'm walking through my neighbourhood, a different a street, a different place, appears behind my closed eye lids? How come everytime I think of christmas, the only place I see it at is that place? Why, if that was the one place I needed to get away from, would I continue remembering it, obsessing over it, dreaming of it, and asking every what-if that could possibly exist? I simply cannot comprehend this. It is an anomaly that I cannot grasp. I explained a philosophy-based marxist theory to a college student today. One she learned about in class, but didn't understand. I knew nothing of it. But I read a few pages, looked at her notes, listened to her, and grasped the fundamental idea of quantity and quality. So why is it, I have absolutely no possible means of understanding the inner workings of my own mind? I keep questioning every idea, every moment, and every thought. Perhaps it would be a beneficial and educational process if it were not driving me to my own personal brink of insanity. I can halt the thoughts, if I try. Most of the time I do. I don't know what would happen if I just sat and let each one flow. I don't believe I want to find out either. I doubt it would end well. Still, I can't help but wonder. And right now, I want more than anything (except perhaps to have these answers) to step outside, free, warm, alone and witness the magnificent beauty of the eclipse. But the clouds have obscured any part of the moon that I could hope to see. So, I am left in here, with all of these thoughts and questions. And though I hate to admit i, I'm left, also, with this inexplicable, ridiculous, and although miniscule, terrible longing. A minor, barely noticeable, hidden, buried desire to return. Because, part of me wishes to correct the mistakes I made, to right the wrongs. My mind tells me I'm different now, I could've stood up, not taken it. I could've fought back. Been stronger. And perhaps another part of me wishes I was there so I could have an excuse. An excuse to explain why I am as weak as I am, even after escaping nearly three years ago. Because, I hate to admit that I stand in a place that has been greatly affected, and still is. I want forget it, leave it, ignore it, be the perfect happy little girl. Not the ticking bomb my father keeps looking at in fear. And it isn't right or fair to anyone else. I shouldn't be like this. I hate it. And when I started writing this, I had no inclination to do any more than save it as a draft. A draft to be kept and never posted. But now, there's a voice in my head that tells me, if someone's reading this, perhaps I can recognize that they've seen worse on here from me, and perhaps it's possible I'll get understanding, and not judgement, or distaste. And so I guess ignore being frustrated with my own self and I'll muster the little courage I have and click publish post. .