"Every Now and Then I Fall Apart"

I feel as though I am floating, hovering near the edges of this capsule that holds my spirit. The ties that held it in place seem to be dissolving one by one. It struggles to be free. My mind battles itself, wanting to leave, needing to stay. I latch onto every meaningful moment that passes. I allow myself to swing from each one, silently screaming. I'm swinging over an empty, unpredictable void. An abyss that has no destination. But the importance of a given moment is diminishing. Soon, I believe it may not be enough, perhaps then each tie will be severed. My hand will reach, but it will touch nothing. I will start to fall, crashing through the air, sinking, screaming, but then I will fly. And I wonder would it be wrong if I flew to the frosty glassed windows of children's bedrooms and taught them how to fly away? Because I wish someone had taught me how to fly away, since I cannot find a way. Wrong or not, I never could teach them, because I still haven't learned how. Even if I did know, there is no absolution that I would put the knowledge to use. It would simply be a means of escape. Lately I had believed that even without the knowledge, I would still fly away. Except it would be more floating than flying. I've felt as if my every tie to myself was going to be gone. The feeling is nearly indescribable, but at least I am beginning to grasp the why. The understanding is hitting me slowly, in miniscule ripples instead of brutal waves. Which is good, I'm not sure how much I can be capable of intaking. The confusion at this feeling caused such a fear to rise in me.But now, I'm grasping it all, instead of meaning and understanding slipping through my fingers like sand, it is becoming stable. Slowly, and as impatient as I am, I know the pace is good. The numbness towards you is wearing off, but only slightly. I keep trying to force anger, hate, mistrust, longing, etc towards you. Because I've felt numb, now I realize I was numb because those emotions weren't as present as they have been as of late, not at all. Because slowly, over a long period of time, I have been accepting the truth. I've begun to let go and to accept that you will never be what you should. As for another, I'm letting to of you as well. That isn't all. Perhaps this truly is the metamorphosis. Although, I don't quite see myself becoming some stunningly beautiful butterfly anytime soon. Ha. Anyway. I'm figuring this out, it's shaking me quite a bit. Nothing at all is stable right about now. My reality is an illusion. But I'm coming out of this. Peeling away the layers one by one. My creativity, stability, courage, and strength should be back soon. I just have to learn patience, I'm still hovering at the edges of myself. But perhaps that's more a part of me than I thought. Again, patience. You know, cause I'm so good at that. By the way the beginning of this post is not some creepy, depressing death reference. Not at all, I just realized that's what it sounded like. Sorry. Anyway, good night. I would say I'm ready for this year to be over, but if doesn't that just make an entire year a waste? Yea, we can sit here and see oh I can't wait for this year to be over, I need a new start, I'm reading for a new beginning, but don't wait for new year, and don't blame the past year. Just make every moment as worthwhile as it can be, and accept that a lot of moments are going to be shitty. It happens. Accept the past, make the most of the present, and fight for the future. Yep, I'm done being deep and poetic, I'm gonna go back to watching criminal minds and trying to resist eating a bowl of ice cream. Good Night.

I Never Said Goodybe

We're going tomorrow
Up north,
To the cabin.
It doesn't feel right,
Knowing you won't be there.
Nothing feels right, right now.
I wish I could ask you
For answers
I still can't find,
I feel so alone already
It doesn't help that so many are missing.
And this feeling keeps coming back,
I can't take it much longer,
And I wish I had tried to say
Goodbye,
I tried,
Just not soon enough,
I should've called,
Not ran away.
I couldn't face my past,
And all of you were a part of it,
Except you were one of the best parts
Thank you for being a mother to me
Thank you for having the daughter that you did,
And thank you for bringing us together,
We haven't gone to the same school,
Or lived in the same city
Since third grade,
But you kept us together
And when I ran away,
Grew apart from you,
Your daughter,
And one other,
You brought the trio back together
In your final act.
I ought to remember I'm loved,
I'm not alone,
Far from it,
But that can be so hard to see,
Nothing feels right anymore,
But I'll hold steady,
It's all I can do.
I'm balanced,
Worthy,
Beautiful,
Exceptional,
Captivating,
Trustworthy,
And strong.
And I will believe this,
I won't stop trying until I do.
And when I lose the will,
I'll do it for you,
Even when I become convinced,
You care
Not at all.
Anyway,
Tonight was wonderful.
My bed,
And my warm blankets are waiting for me
Goodnight.
Sleep well.

Where Is This Place?

I'm up again, still can't sleep. I haven't slept in days, not that I normally slept that well...but still. This is different. At least I'm at Paige's. I'm more comfortable here than in my own home sometimes? Is that bad? No, not really. It happens. But I have to go home tomorrow and I don't want to. My room feels so empty these days, though I'm not sure why. It feels as if something has changed. The air that surrounds me isn't the same. It's not warm or inviting, or even breathable. It suffocates me, choking my throat and lungs. The air squeezes around me, I can' move right. It's as if I'm attempting to move through a body of water. But it's not the air, not really. It's my mind. Then again isn't it always one's mind? Every moment, feeling, emotion, action, it's all a perception. No matter what we tell ourselves, everything is in perception. Therefore nothing is constant. And also, if everything's perception, so is language. Which makes you wonder, what's in word? And once you can't define a word, you can't define yourself or your life. Then you can never fully grasp any moment that passes. Then you fall asleep and dream, but once you wake you remember perception. Nothing is constant, nothing is reliable. And so I wonder, how can we truly discern that the life we perceive as reality is truly reality? Could we not simply perceive our dreams as our reality? Who's to say we're wrong? No one can say who's right. Does reality even exist? And if so where, inside or outside of our conscious? Maybe these questions are why I can't sleep. It's a good possibility. Still, I feel like a child again. I spent twenty minutes trying to get Paige to turn the light. Yea we were laughing, joking, the usual. But I was legitimately terrified. I kept seeing shapes and faces and hearing noises. I do all the time. I hide under the covers because I'm so paralyzed with fear I refuse to move. It's even worse now, with this abnormal, inexplicable emptiness in my room. Well, I guess it isn't entirely inexplicable, but what I don't understand is why now? Or perhaps I do. Either way my room is overflowing with emptiness and loneliness. I have no desire to return to it tomorrow.I'm so lost in my own mind. All of my perceptions are off, no moment is reality, and no moment is fantasy. Every moment I live, I'm living, but I'm also daydreaming, and I'm analyzing, and I'm questioning some abstract off topic idea, or I'm going over some future moment in my head. I don't feel like I'm living moments, because I don't feel like I'm in them fully, I'm on so many different levels all at one time. But I'm not disconnected from reality, well maybe I am, but I don't think so. I just don't know where I am. I'm losing the ability to control my thoughts, because I've taken to attempting to halt them. It's not good, but most of the time I'm succeeding. I shouldn't be though. It isn't good for me to do this. I start to become paranoid about people, and I lose my grip. I don't face things. I'll avoid confrontation. I did so good at fighting this part of me off, but ow it's coming back. And what's sad is even these blog posts are aiding me in halting certain thought flows. Another super not healthy way, is to obsessively think over a few things bothering me to convince myself I'm confronting it and blah blah blah. It's not good, my anxiety's all bad again. I'm freaking out constantly. S'not cool. But I have no idea how to stop. How in the hell do I make myself confront things I've buried so deep, I'm able to think about shit that's happened over and over and completely convince myself that I am confronting it and grasping it etc, when I'm not. How do I even dig that far into myself when I've built this wall so strong I can't even see past it, and sometimes I even doubt it's there. I'm that good at convincing myself. So how do I stop? How do I learn to find myself again, confront it all, and the hell over it? Or accept it and move on? This is leaving me way too f*cked up. I can't find the answers, but I'm so close, I just have to make myself stop fighting myself. Sigh, I meant to make this philosophical and meaningful, then it turned into a rant. Oh well. I'm going to get a drink and my book. See if it helps me at all.

I want to be excited for Christmas, but I can't be. Not for any ridiculous depressing reason. I just...it's...blah, I really can't verbalize myself today, Yay for gibberishy ranting blogs. It's just...everything's different ya know? We're older, blah blah blah. I could go on, but I'll start to sound like a broken record. Although really, why should I care bout that? Hmm. It's just, it's not that I'm not excited, it's that it doesn't feel like Christmas. Not at all. Nothing feels like anything. Every moment that happens feels empty, no not empty. Just...different. It's like half of me is somewhere else. Or rather on third of me is there, another third elsewhere, and the last third somewhere else. And nothing feels the same. Everytime I do something, I'm like in a daze. Ugh this sounds more depressing than it should. It's not, it's just, I don't know. I'm a daydreamer, I really am. I think it disconnects me from reality a little bit. Not in some awful unhealthy way. Just in one that leaves me feeling like...ugh I cannot describe this. What is my issue today? I think it's cause I'm starving to death. I want taco bell. Dude I would get sooo fat working on taco bell. Speaking of which I scared myself by using my dad's scale (didn't know it was broken) which told me I'd gained ten pounds in the last two weeks. Yea not true. Haha. Wowwwww I'm a little ADHD today too. Squirrel. Kay back on track. All of this, whatever this is, is leaving my mind very confused. Especially since my mind keeps trying to question the universe, god, life, existence, souls, meaning, everything. I keep stopping it. Reading, distracting myself, creating a story in my head, anything. Cause seriously, I can't just let those thoughts run rampant unless I'm in a car or speaking them aloud to someone. And there are few people I will bestow that torture on. Although, I must say it's quite amusing. Rather like this post. It's ridiculous, awful, grammatically incorrect, and completely lacking in anything of significance cause I'm doing that whole stopping my idiot, curious, manic, insane mind of mine. It's quite frustrating, although very fun. And interesting. And I think I sound really, really schizophrenic right now. Or maybe in the manic phase of bipolar disorder. I should stop now, so I can preserve some teensy inkling of my readers' belief that I'm sane. But seriously, sanity is boring. I want to live, question, fight, scream, dream, create, be melodramatic, be overemotional, and think. A couple hundred years ago, I would've been declared insane, or burned as a witch. Probably the latter. But today, my insanity is one that is actually semi-accepted among some people. And besides, this is how I want to live my life. I'll take to the fullest. I'll fall, fuck up, do everything wrong, go crazy, but I'll learn and grow and experience. Anyway, I should post something that lives up to my actual writing potential sometime soon. I'll think bout it, but for now I NEED food. Oh and check out my tumblr. .realityisanillusion.tumblr.com. As of now it shouldn't have any rants, maybe some meeaningful writings, but mostly cool shit I find online, around me, or create. Well g'nite. Happy Holidays. Cause you shouldn't wish random strangers merry christmas, they might not be christian, although i do know most atheists celebrate the christmas holiday time anyway. So Happy Holidays is more appropriate to me. Wow random. Haha, my attention span is so gone. Kay getting off. Yea. Peace out.

Eclipse of the Mind?

It's almost 2:30, but I can't sleep. And I'm afraid to try because then the thoughts may never stop. I feel bad, I keep waking Paige up. She's probably going to kill me in the morning, if lack of sleep doesn't do the job first. I don't understand this. How can you feel like you should be in a certain place, if that place was never good. What if you hated something. And all you wanted to do was get away. What if you screamed, cried, fought, prayed, everything. And then one day, you finally gained the ability to leave. Wouldn't you want to never go back? If you were completely happy where you were, why would it feel wrong? How come everytime I close my eyes when I'm walking through my neighbourhood, a different a street, a different place, appears behind my closed eye lids? How come everytime I think of christmas, the only place I see it at is that place? Why, if that was the one place I needed to get away from, would I continue remembering it, obsessing over it, dreaming of it, and asking every what-if that could possibly exist? I simply cannot comprehend this. It is an anomaly that I cannot grasp. I explained a philosophy-based marxist theory to a college student today. One she learned about in class, but didn't understand. I knew nothing of it. But I read a few pages, looked at her notes, listened to her, and grasped the fundamental idea of quantity and quality. So why is it, I have absolutely no possible means of understanding the inner workings of my own mind? I keep questioning every idea, every moment, and every thought. Perhaps it would be a beneficial and educational process if it were not driving me to my own personal brink of insanity. I can halt the thoughts, if I try. Most of the time I do. I don't know what would happen if I just sat and let each one flow. I don't believe I want to find out either. I doubt it would end well. Still, I can't help but wonder. And right now, I want more than anything (except perhaps to have these answers) to step outside, free, warm, alone and witness the magnificent beauty of the eclipse. But the clouds have obscured any part of the moon that I could hope to see. So, I am left in here, with all of these thoughts and questions. And though I hate to admit i, I'm left, also, with this inexplicable, ridiculous, and although miniscule, terrible longing. A minor, barely noticeable, hidden, buried desire to return. Because, part of me wishes to correct the mistakes I made, to right the wrongs. My mind tells me I'm different now, I could've stood up, not taken it. I could've fought back. Been stronger. And perhaps another part of me wishes I was there so I could have an excuse. An excuse to explain why I am as weak as I am, even after escaping nearly three years ago. Because, I hate to admit that I stand in a place that has been greatly affected, and still is. I want forget it, leave it, ignore it, be the perfect happy little girl. Not the ticking bomb my father keeps looking at in fear. And it isn't right or fair to anyone else. I shouldn't be like this. I hate it. And when I started writing this, I had no inclination to do any more than save it as a draft. A draft to be kept and never posted. But now, there's a voice in my head that tells me, if someone's reading this, perhaps I can recognize that they've seen worse on here from me, and perhaps it's possible I'll get understanding, and not judgement, or distaste. And so I guess ignore being frustrated with my own self and I'll muster the little courage I have and click publish post. .

Snowflakes reside,

Crystallized teardrops falling

From the sky.

Puffs of white, flowered,

Innocence.

Sun rays piercing,

Revealing hidden motives.

Snowflakes reside.

Go ahead and build it up again This city's just cemeteries and forgotten men

Fallen Angels

Forced to say goodbye

To hazel eyes that

Failed his time.

Riding out on waves of

Consciousness

Blind.

Searching hopelessly in
Unlit corners,
On and on.
Can't find
You.
These hazels eyes are
Useless, now.
Your soul lost to
An everlasting darkness.

Broken martyrs
Forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that
Failed this time
Riding out on waves of
Sacrifice
Blind.
So don't give yourself up just yet.
Don't let them take you.


I've rewritten this like four times, it all started with the first stanza. I like the last one too. I just cannot get this to sound right no matter how hard I try. So I stopped trying. I just found the paper with this written on it. I think it was the fourth try. I let it go. But I keep getting brought back to that first stanza, so I'm going to try again. I should have something today or tomorrow. I hope. Ideas are welcome.

Rise, Rebel, Resist

When did freedom become blasphemy?
When did people lose the ability to see?
This delicate, petaled existence,
Will never lead to a resistance.
So it's time we fight,
And throw words like knives.
We may have started off harmless,
But now they're calling us blasphemous.
But we aren't the liars,
Or the thieves.
We are the martyrs,
The ancient path charters
This is it, let's give them sight.
It's time to join the fight
Say goodbye to those soft-voices,
And scream out, make rebellious choices.
We refuse to say good night.
So instead, we fight.


I'm in a rebellious mood. This was most definitely inspired by the beautiful and talented Otep Shamaya. <3

The snow is swirling down, it hasn't stopped all day. I despise the cold, but watching snow makes me wistful. Little white flakes of innocence descending from the sky. That's snow. Snow is naivety. Childhood. It's loving someone without barriers. It's trusting another person with your own life. It's driving with no destination. It's running free, no thoughts holding you back. It's children playing. It's living carefree. It's life without time measuring every action. It's speaking the truth to everyone. It's standing up for justice. It's...yea, it's symbolic. Maybe we should just leave it that. Now if only I could let all of that in. Why are we always fighting ourselves? Never listening, over-thinking every move? I want to go back. Rewind the clock. Live in a time where I was innocent, naive. What happened to the little girl who had no desire, except to love everyone and have everyone love each other? Where did the moments of carefree bliss go? When did innocence leave, and the knowledge of truth settle in? When did we learn of evil? Can't we just go back to the times when good overcame bad no matter what? And life was simple. Before our families started to fall a part. Before I'd had my heart shattered. Before I'd gotten angry.  It all changed. Now, I'm wandering this world, completely lost. I've lost so many, I've even lost myself a few times. And I just want someone to hold me, because everything's spinning, and I'm starting to lose my ground. I just want someone to tell me I'm important, vital, loved, influential, talented, perhaps even beautiful. But even more, I want to go back to the time where that didn't even matter. But, I'm stuck here, and I don't even know where here is.

Falling Through Nothing

She was so close
The cold air turned her bones to liquid fire
Her mind was spinning,
Beginning to float above
The rest of her
The tears were streaming now
Her breathe was short and ragged
Her eyes saw a different street
A different time
Her mind reminded her just how
Alone
She really is
She clenched the leash in her hand
Feeling as if she stood in a hurricane
It was the only think keeping her
From being blown away
Her legs started to tremble
How easy it would be
To just let them give way
Let her hand release the leash,
 Let her body crash to the ground
The cold had numbed her by now
She stumbled
Barely catching herself
Falling once
How easy it would have been
To rest her head right there,
Sleep for awhile, until they found her
But she got up, took baby steps back
Home
Collapsed to her bed
Regrets of not staying on that ground
Filling her head

Shouting Through Silence

I'm not this crazy, talkative, loud, extroverted person. Not really, I can be loud, obnoxious, and talk 90 words per second. If you know me, then you know that. But sometimes, or most of the time, it exhausts me. I'm drained, and I can't come up with some response, I need breaks from people, from talking, interacting. It doesn't always mean I wanna be left alone, it's just me, being incapable of some things. I get impatient, sometimes I'm rude, other times I say something and sound like an idiot. And I promise I'm not trying to be rude, or stand-offish, or upset, or anything. Sometimes, I just don't have the energy to be any more than a quiet, terrified, anxious, teenage girl. I still want to talk to people, to be involved, to be a part of a group. So actually talk to me, drag me in, make plans, tell me to come on, or do something to pull me in, because I can't always do it myself. If I wanna be left alone, I'll usually tell people, not talking doesn't mean I don't wanna be around you, or I don't wanna talk, or do something. I usually do. Sorry for all that shitty grammar and broken english. I just felt the need to put something on here, but I can't think straight right now, not at all, so I decided to get that little thought out of my head.

Sitting in blissful silence
Drowning in endless nostalgia
The emotions pour out of me like
Raindrops falling from the sky
Occasionally hard, fast
Sometimes, slow, little by little,
And other times not even falling at all
Just hanging there
Waiting until there's too many
Too hold inside
So they spill out over the sides
Like tears falling from the eyes
Of a broken-hearted
Teenaged prom queen
They're all that I'm
Composed of
And no matter what chapter is coming next
I'll attempt to smile through these waves
And I know I won't succeed
Not even the majority of the time
But if I try hard enough,
I know the happiness will come through
Anyway.
Even if the tears fall
At least they can sometimes slide past
A smile
Perhaps bittersweet
But it's still there
That's all that matters
Anyhow