#7

The air was empty tonight
Streets filled with trees filled with dying leaves
Just like you
Or maybe not
Cause perhaps you're already dead..
Inside.
You'd already be gone
Except you can't be gone if you were never
Here
And I find it kind of funny that
We're all in this same place
But noone's really here
And I find it so ironic that
We spend all this time searching for ourselves
We never take the chance to create ourselves
And I find it somewhat sad that
In the end nothing changes
Yet in the end nothing will ever be the same

#6

Your grasp is

Waning.

Your effect on me,

Depleting.

Your intentions,

Appearing.

And finally I'm seeing,

Acknowledging,

The painful truth

I'll finally gain

The ability

Previously unknown to me

So how about you

Walk the fuck away

Because you're a moment too late

And now you're nothing

So goodbye and goodnight

#5

Wow, I actually made it to five. Yay. :D
It's kind of sad that I consider five in a row an accomplishment.
I'm at Paige's, I missed my best friend, and her family and this house.

Childhood memories
Float through my thoughts
Daydreams of bittersweet melodies
Sweet moments
Bitterly gone
We're growing up these days
And I'm not sure how I feel
Things are changing these days
And it's scaring me a bit
Just hoping
Some things will always stay the same
Not sure where were headed these days
But we'll make the best of it


~I remember when We used to laugh About nothing at all It was better than going mad From trying to solve all the problems we're going through Forget 'em all Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall Together we faced it all~

btw, paige i hate your keyboard you know why

#4

And I heard the tapping

All night long

And I was paralyzed

All morning long

Fear dripped through the walls

Shaking with terror

And the thought passed through my mind

The feeling of your arms around me

Your breathe against my neck

Voice in my ear

But instead I felt the cold air

Shivers up my neck

Tapping, hushed sounds around my room

That was preceded by nightmares that can not be described or understood

#3

So, I'm too tired to sound intellectual or poetic, so umm a random number 19, kay, 19 facts about myself you may or may not not know. 
1. It takes a lot to get me fully and truly angry. You don't want to see that.
2. I'm emotional and overdramatic. I cry all the time. I'm extreme, but I'm also ridiculously over empathetic sometimes. I hate seeing violence, and I often put mysef in the place of other's so much that it hurts. I care...a lot. People have asked me why? I don't know. I love and care too much sometimes. But I do anyway. And always will. If I talk to you, I care about you. It's just how I am. It gets really extreme though. But I take/keep it positive.
3. I have anxiety, not paralyzing freak out anxiety, just overthinking, paranoia(in a very mild sense), mild panic attacks on occasion type anxiety.
4. Lately, I've been having nightmares about once a week...atleast. They aren't all really scary, just creepy, or upsetting.
5. I've only recently begun to accept that I can't save everyone. That doesn't mean I won't stop trying to do everything I can for everyone I can.
6. I'm pretty liberal, and they are a few areas that I feel extremely passionate about. If I believe in something fully, I will fight for it. I'm open-minded, but I can be really stubborn if I need to be. In many aspects of..everything I swing back and forth between two opposites, it depends on a lot of other aspects. I can be one thing today and another tomorrow, and then I'll be right in the middle. It gets really obnoxious and ridiculous. That was definitely two in one.
7. I'm a total bookworm.
8. My family belongs on Dr. Phil, except we could make him quit. Seriously, the majority of one side of my family is just beyond fucked up. Not all of them of course.
9. My memory can be really patchy sometimes, it bothers me.
10. I wish I was good at something.
11. I'm more introverted than extroverted. I do love people and social shit, but it exhausts me. Interaction drains me. But then, sometimes I need it. There are moments where I feel like I may lose it if I'm by myself any longer.
12. Being in crowds terrifies me, seriously, it took a huge part of freshman year for me to get used to being around that many people, just in the classes and hallways. I'm often able to distract myself so it doesn't make me anxious though. Concerts are one of the few places I'm almost never freaked out. I stay to the side and I can breathe, I'd assume it's the music.
13. All of the people in my life mean more to me than they can imagine.
14. I feel more alone than ever sometimes.
15. Change terrifies me, it's takes me awhile to get used to little things.
16. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I'm ready to learn from them. Not everything is done right the first time.
17. I'm trying to live in the moment, it's really difficult.
18. I'm a romantic, not just in like the love way, but in the idealistic, soulful, dreamy, way. If that makes sense.
19. I'm afraid spiders, deep, unclear water, hospital-related things, the dark, crowds, change, knives, and a bunch of other random things, but mostly of turning into my mother.

Okayy, you probably just learned more about me than you needed to know. That actually got kinda personal, kinda like this entire blog. Haha. Oh man. Seriously, I often think there are too many aspects of myself. Seriously, this doesn't cover 1/4th of it. And a lot of that was kind of negative. Hmm. I'm not all bad and negative I promise!! Haha. But seriously, I need sleep. Bad.
Good night.
Sweet dreams, my darling.

#2

If only saying goodbye wasn't so difficult

She's sitting there. The only place nearby that she can find peace. The water moves under her, and she stares out over it. She pulls the petals of a purple flower off, one by one. In the end, it makes no difference. There's no one here, but her. She blows the petals into the wind, they fall into the creek. Small, silent tears slide down her cheeks. They don't mean much. No one will ever see. She picks up another flower, holds it to her heart, willing all the dreaming to transfer to it, then she lets it go. But the dreaming stays. It refuses to leave. The dreaming holds her in a tight grasp. Refusing to let go. She feels the pain deep inside her chest. It's heavy. So, heavy. And she's so tired, so tired. She wants it all to be over with.Her knees buckle. She collapses onto the cold concrete. The world under her is spinning. Spinning. She's drifting, drifting into a place she will won't easily be able to leave. Her eyes are closing shut. I scream to her. Scream, shout, cry. It doesn't work, she's fading. Doesn't she know it's wrong? That the dreams aren't real? They aren't. I sob as I beg her not to give in, but it's too late. Another is lost to the demon.

Loosely inspired by a daydream that was based off a dream. 

Yea, I know it's shit, but it's late, and I am beyond exhausted. You have no idea. And I have to write a poem...about economics. It's not goin to well. Fuck.Seriously, it's pointless. And you know what's ridiculous? My british accent, trust me love, it's bloody awful. Haha. Yea, I can't wait for tomorrow, the last two days have been homework hell. Ugh. So yea. Fuck. Haha. I'm done now. Well with this blog, not all the shit I have to do. Fuck! I need sleeppp! It's not fair *pout*. Humph. Well, cheerio. 

Goodbye sweetheart. 

#1

So yea, Jenna I'm totally copying you. I need to start working on like a billion things, one of them is writing a blog post everyday. I'm sure I'll have days where it's like one word or totally pointless shit, but I need to start setting goals and completing them. So here goes, starting today, for 30 days. Atleast one post a day. And if I make it, I might continue my goal.

Stage fades slowly to black
It's over now
We hope you enjoyed the show
Next, curtains close
Sliding together at an agonizing pace
Your eyes
They're all I see
As curtains close
And dancers leave
Silent eyes, staring
Right back at me
Bittersweet departures crash over me
Goodbye rests on my tongue
Like a burning aftertaste
Can't let go just yet
Wishing to savor what it had
First hinted at
But that is gone
All that's left is
A twisted show
Over now
An empty stage
Cleared out seats
And those eyes
Speaking so unclearly to me
It just might be
Time to say
Goodbye
And let my words flow once more

I've decided it's time to say goodbye. I'm closing the doors, and letting go. It's time to start fighting. I'm going to fight, and I refuse to give in. No matter what you say. Sorry, sweetheart. This time it's up to me, not you. So kiss me goodbye, cause now I'm gone.
Yea as always, this is in reference to like 8 things and people. Hahaha. Well I'm going wedding dress shopping, so psyched! Peace out home skillet biscuit.
<3

It's time to let the words

Flow

Let the ink hit the paper

Let the thoughts move

Transform

Into new meanings

It's time to stop sitting

And start moving

Time to start writing once more

Yea, the only point of this is to get my creativity flowing. Sorry for the sucky pointlessness. I just need to start getting the words out. I'm sick of pitiful cycles. And for some reason, I haven't been letting my words out lately. I need to stop keeping certain things in. It really isn't good. So yea, I'm gonna quit this pitiful little whatever. Anyway, this was entirely pointless. You definitely just wasted yourtime. I'm gonna go study and clean. Yuckkkk. Bullshit.Ugh my space bar is stickingit's pissing meoff....a lottttt!!!!! Okay, Byeeeee :]

Haha seriously, if you'restill reading this, idk,you must be reallyyy bored. Go something productive orread someofmy older, and moremeaningful posts. Peace out! Hahah.

Adieu

:]

Breaking Down

Breathing, ragged
Tears, falling
Silent
Chest, pounding
Hurting
Stomach rolling
Brutal
Head, screaming
Arms, wrapped
Tightly around
Bent knees
Body, shaking
Rocking

Samantha

Her hair is the color of straw. It falls around her marked face. The brown outline of covering nearly half of her. A beautiful bruise of life. Her eyes blue, clear as grayed water. They pierce me in a way that few can. Seeking and questioning everything. The pain that lurks in them, hides deep. Her smile is crooked and white. And brilliant. She shines her happiness everywhere. Yet, hiding so much more. Her laugh rings out, obnoxiously loud. Her tantrums and screams carry on endlessly. She talks incessantly, and sees more than most. She understands what she shouldn't know. Not yet. Her love and care seems to be endless. But she's fighting off terror, too. Saw too much, heard too much. She was left too many times. A small, innocent girl abandoned by the one that she should have been able to rely on. Forever. Yet, that's not how it was to be. But, I hope she will always know that she has me. Right now, and forever on. Her mother lacking in what she should be, but blessed with sisters. Samantha, I want you to know I won't ever leave. I'll be here always, ready to step into where she should, but cannot. I'll look after you. I'll do my best to explain why it turned out this way. I'll help you love, live, and learn. I'll be a mentor, mother, sister, and best friend for whenever you need it. I love you beautiful girl.
This also goes for my other two gorgeous little sisters, and my four wonderful nieces.
<3
Sorry, I just felt the need to write that. I think I may start writing "letters" to people. Just an occasional outlet idea.

15 things

So, I feel like I should do this. 15 things I would tell myself if I could go back in time:
1. Grab Sam before you run. Do not leave her, with her. Grab her, tell your mother like it is, then run to Ms. Cindy's.
2. Do not lose contact with Allison and Angelika, and make sure you visit Becky, and talk to her. She won't be around much longer.
3. Take pictures of everything. I'm serious. Do not stop. Especially when you're in Europe.
4. Trust your dad. He knows what he's talking about.
5. Stick up to your mom and Rick, and more importantly, tell your dad sooner. I promise things will change, so hang in there.
6. High School isn't as horrible as you fear, so relax.And enjoy every moment of it. Throw yourself into things head first. Live life to the fullest. Yea, you think you are, but you aren't. Promise. :]
7. Do your homework. On time. Early. Seriously.
8. Don't leave things unsaid. You'll lose people for it.
9. Don't get drunk, it sucks. Promise. Don't do it.
10. You're gonna get your heartbroken, think before you act afterwards.
11. Don't get sucked into the whole first love thing, just live in the moment. Don't get any delusions. You're young. Chill, have fun.
12. This is getting harder. Listen to Sr. Diane. She actually says a lot of good shit.
13. Get involved in a sport  the second you get chance.
14. Don't get caught up in the moment.
15. Things will start to look up, I promise. So hang in there. Think before you act. Don't do something rash. Don't follow that impulse.
Well, that was interesting. You just got a pretty personal look into my life. Although, few people would  understand a lot of these anyway. Haha. I may start doing more of these. Just not 15, maybe 5, or 10.
Well, ciao.

What does it mean?

I felt something. I heard the rain. I know I did. I heard the drops hitting the roof, I heard the wind rustling, and I know I heard the rain. It was coming down, not hard, but not light. It was washing over us. Washing the unseen away. I wanted to see that rain, stand outside in it. Embrace it. So, I stepped onto my porch two nights ago. Wanting to see the rain I heard, but it wasn't there. I know I heard it, I felt it too. But there was no rain. The night air was dry. Empty. No slick road, no damp grass. Nothing. I can't explain it. Nor can I explain what I felt out there. There are no words that can fully describe it. I just wish I knew what it meant. What is it signaling? Perhaps I'll ask.
On a completely, polar-opposite, topic. My stomach's in knots, my thoughts are swirling, and my gut is rolling. I need a chance to explain. There's so much more than you could possibly see. You have no idea. I promise, perhaps that's my fault. But, I'm not entirely guilty. Either way, please, just give me the chance to explain, and say what needs to be said. Because there's so much more than you think. But, I am genuinely sorry. I should have never left things unsaid. I honestly wish someone could hit me right now. I need to go get some work done, so I can go for a much needed walk though.
What did it mean? I don't understand. What are you trying to tell me? I don't understand! Why the fuck did I ask for a sign? I knew I'd just get more trouble. Not worth it. I knew that though didn't I? And you know I know better, so I guess thanks for the reminder? This is what I get.
I'm shaking my head at myself way too much right now.
Anyway, I better go get to work. For real.