Well

I guess you were right. I just wasn't strong enough to admit it to myself, but I'm strong enough to fight it now. And I will. I will not become another statistic. I could rant about that last sentence, but I won't. All I know is that this is going to end. That's that. And I know I don't make much sense. I'm not trying to do. Perhaps, I haven't lost as much as it feels like right now. But one more slip up, and it will all be gone. That won't happen. This time around I'm going to change it. Because this time I've recognized what's going on. I'll swallow the truth. Then I'll make it false. I will go back to what I want me to be. I may be more alone this time, but that's noone's fault but my own. It's time for a change. I only hope second chances will follow it. But most of that is up to me. I hid so much from myself, I'm only starting to see all of it. It's pathetic, pitiful, and just plain sad. Nonetheless, it's going to end. All of it. Starting right now. Well, technically before right now. Whatever. The point is clear. I think. It's clear to me. I know what I am going to do.I will do more this time. I see more this time. This is it. I'm sorry to all of you. I hurt you on my way here. More than once. You're probably gone forever. That is my own fault. I will do what I have to, and once this has changed. Only then can I even hope for the possibility of you speaking to me. This is it. I'm ashamed, I'll admit. That's why I'm ending this post soon. Talk is talk adn nothing more. And this one made little sense. Either way, I know much more than I did. Hopefully the knowledge is enough.
Sorry won't mean much at this point, but as I have said. I'm sorry. Such meaningless words at this point, my use of them is even causing me to shake my head. All of it is. Now for me to finally get the hell on the road to something[someone] better.

Letting Go Of A Butterfly

At several points in someone's life, they hope for the wrong thing. They long for that which will inevitably end in disaster. You build up this pretty picture around it. You spin the truth into a fantasy woven from such delicate thread that there is no possible way it can stand. Place all the faith and care into it that you want. That does not make a difference every single time. Sometimes it shatters. Not every time is right. Not every moment, meant to be. Not every wish come true will last forever. People lie. They leave. They are left. Some were only a transparent illusion that could only last until a gentle breeze blew them apart. Others drift. Some fade. Then some are entering, slipping in. Finding. Learning. Trusting. Growing. At least one of these is an occurrence at every moment.Sometimes you have to let go of a butterfly-filled fantasy, so you can move on to the next scene. You'll fall to tears. Maybe, you'll even think you broke. But at some point, the tears dry. They emotions are never gone. None are. Each emotion we can experience is in us somewhere, somehow, at all times. So make the right ones the strongest. Push the hurt and pain aside. Let anger subside. Bask in light, love, and happiness. Because it doesn't last. The rest is just around the corner. Lurking, waiting for a moment of weakness to spring free once again. So, don't waste it when it's there. And never cause more. Let go of what is not worth it. Don't fight it all. No one has that large of a reserve of strength. Let it go free. Some illusions must be shattered...before they shatter you. You will experience every idea of love, pain, loss, gain, ecstasy, and depression. You can not control or change this cycle. Allow any extra love someone will give you. Let go of any extra pain that someone may bring. Some are worth it, but very few. Keeping the hurt around may be easiest, but it merely hinders the inevitable. Each moment will come. You can choose some. It's all up to you.

As for me, I've decided it's time to let go. I want to move on. Hurt may not be avoidable. In this case it was even easier. I forced myself to believe some other option would arise. Maybe it will, maybe not. But not every person is worth the pain they cause. You showed me you weren't. I doubt you could ever prove me wrong. Partially because I doubt you'll ever try and fight me anyway. My stomach's sick, my eyes are red, and it hurts. Now all that's left is the wait for it to go away. Then I'll be ready for the next act, but not a moment sooner than that. 

P.S. This is about two people. I won't say who on here. A third could be included, but at this moment she and I are [hopefully] on a road to reconciliation. But I will say one I met more recently, the other I've known for years. I could be wrong. This was written in haste, merely a resolution to ending tears. In the whole first part you is used in the plural form, I'm not actually talking to anyone in particular. Just thought I'd point that out.

Darkness seeping in

Hazel eyes useless now

Can't seem to find you

Maybe hearing you

But where are you now?
Too dark

For these eyes to find

Your light

Fallen angels forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes
That failed this time
Riding out on waves of
Consciousness
Blind

Broken martyrs forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that failed this time
Riding out on waves of
Sacrifice
Blind

Blessed friends forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that failed this time
Riding out on waves of
Love
Blind

Ignorant enemies forced to say goodbye
To hazel eyes that failed this time
Riding out on waves of
Hate
Blind

I like the original idea behind this, but then i tried to take a different path and it didn't turn out as good. Oh well. By the way the original idea started with the second stanza then going somewhere else. But this is what came out instead. Sometimes I think words write themselves.

Je suis desolee

So, I'd like to apologize to you (nonexistent) readers. My last two posts went a bit....overboard with the pessimism and depressing shit. I let some shit get to me, and ended up losing myself briefly. I'm not as strong as I pretend sometimes...not that I pretend I'm very strong...or I don't think I do? I don't know. The point is, I apologize. I got a bit...kay a lot ridiculous there. I'm working on it though. I'm not sane. If I was I'd be boring. And have no good stories. Am I mad? Let me tell a secret, all the best people are. Kay, enough allusions. I'm working on getting rid of an obscenely and obnoxiously difficult case of writer's block. Once I do, you may see something good on here. Whoever you is. I seriously don't believe anyone reads this. If you do lemme know. Please? Oh and I got bored and made a tumblr. check it out, i've only posted like two things so far. I'm not sure what exactly will dominate the page, but if you read this, go read it. Go. Now. And i'll try to ease up on all that melodramatic, depressed stuff. Well I will ease up, just not sure how much, or for how long. I'm reading 1984, so maybe I'll just rant about stupidity, the future, and government. We'll see.
Ciao

So, I've realized something recently. Trusting people is useless. It never ends well. And when it does, it takes you time, pain, and loss to even get there. It's easy to open up, let people in, pretend they're there, pretend what they say is true. But in the end it leads to this. Running in circles, chasing after nonexistent, delusional ideas. None of it matters. We're all alone. No matter who walks in, they'll walk out. That's the cold, hard truth. The one I should have learned ten years ago. I could've, but I didn't. I held on to all these little ideas. I let people promise their lies and then walk away. I got caught up in the pitiful whirlwind of whatever the hell it was. You said I'd never end up reading that. Truth is, I did. Thank you for pushing me to this. Seriously. And thanks to the rest of them too. I learned my lesson. I'm done. Not that anyone reads this anymore anyway. I tried. I really did. I even gave myself the illusion that it was actually worth it. I'm done with that illusion. I'll have fun, smile, all the works. But I give up on that old idea. It's time to let go of that bullshit, childish illusion.