Abuela

I thought I could handle this. Dad said it isn't hospice, but dear god. I can't do this. Not here. In my house. So many memories. All the oxygen, the hospital bed, I can't even touch you for a week without gloves, damnit. I've already been through this process so many times. And i've dealt with hospice twice. Sure, this isn't hospice but it sure as hell looks like it. I thought I could handle it, up until the ambulance brought you inside. On a stretcher. A fucking stretcher. And you smiled at us. But god I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I can't lose you grandma. We need you. This is awful, I don't know if I can do it. I can't breathe right now, not even a little. I can't do this. I can't. And I can't call my cousin, she doesn't need to worry while she's at school. So what the hell do I do? Make this stop, someone. Please. Don't do this. It's hitting me, and oh god all the past images from times before are flashing in my head. I need to calm down, I have to calm down. Oh god, please don't take her. I'm not ready for that. Seeing her like this is bad enough. And she's going to be here, in my house, every day. I just wanna throw my arms around her and kiss her. I can't. She's contagious for a week. Damn hospital giving her an infection. Everything was already bad enough. Fuck. Just fuck everything. And it's too cold and snowy to go for a walk, I'm gonna need out of this house a lot. Or I  might suffocate. I'm so scared. Okay.Okay, I can kinda breathe. Now just relax. It's gonna be okay Jaime.