This post is just going to be a rant so feel free to skip it if you want. I'm hoping by getting this all written down I will be able to do my creative writing homework. and maybe get 5 hours of sleep. no nightmares.
I can't believe all of this. So much has changed. Especially in the past two or three years. I...am actually at a loss for words. Change is one of my biggest fears. This doesn't really fit my personality...wait ok yea it does. Nevermind. The fact that I'm here, now, with the people i'm with, doing the things I'm doing, is almost incomprehensible to me. In 8th grade and before that life was a very different world. Very. Mostly 4th to 8th. I'm not gonna sit here and go into details. No one cares. Besides I'm not there anymore so I don't need to focus on it. It's simply amazing though. I never thought I'd be where I am now. Sure i hoped, prayed, cried. All the works. But now I've really made it. Things sure as hell aren't easy. But I made it this far. And i'm stronger. I'm me. I've got this, but those facts don't stop me from breaking down. They don't stop the pains in my chest, the stopping of my breathe the occasional, not too frequent nightmares, the anxiety, the stress, and all that. In time i will do that, and I'm getting there. But not alone. I've found some really amazing people in this life. Sadly, I don't still have all of them, or we're just more distant. Every day I'm reminded of how wonderful things are. But i just...i cant believe how much my life changed. I feel like a different person, surrounded by different people. For example in 8th grade i met someone, we became best friends, 9th grade, i fell in love, hard, real hard, now we don't speak. Crazy huh. In 8th grade i never would've said i'd fall that hard for that person, in 9th i'd swear on everything possible it would have never ended like this. Another example, my best and closest friend(i know you're gonna end up reading this eventually, i love you, we'll talk soon) are having issues i would never have imagined. Another example are the friends I've found this past year. Some of you may read this, others won't. I'm amazed at the people i have, but im also terrified. I'm afraid of being betrayed, judged, left, etc etc. It all scares me. I wonder how much i can tell certain people. How much they see or care. I'm so terrified of the future. I mean I'm not like omg omg my lifes gonna be awful. it's just this...scary feeling. Knowing and not knowing whats coming. Knowing absolutely EVERYTHING is just gonna keep changing. I don't know where my ground is or what to hold onto with all this shit passing and leaving and changing. I just don't know. I need to go do homework. Sigh. Now where are we at? sorry for all that. ciao loves.
Change is a painful, but necessary part of life. It does hurt, but it can also bring about amazing rewards. Just make sure you remember, that even if everything around you is becoming different, you will still have your friends, and they will help anchor you down so you don't drift off on a path you won't like.
ReplyDeleteAnd, in case you haven't noticed, it appears you have a hacker. People like her should never be forgotten, especially if they go love you so much that they go and hack into your blogs. :)
You're right, and thanks, I'll try to remember. And yea i know my hacker is somethin else, and i will never forget her, but she's the friend i'm having issues with so hopefully it is worked out
ReplyDeleteI hope the issues are fixed. I've lost friends before, and those were easily the worst times I have ever had.
ReplyDeletewe'll work things out. im too crazy to be contently mellow with everything all the time, so maybe getting pissed is natural for me? im not sure, im crazy remember. but i do know we are way too close to have a couple few issues between us ruin everything. <33
ReplyDeletethanks V and i'm sorry you have, but i guess it is an inevitable part of life, and thanks for reminding me she should never be forgotten. and pagie i know we will, i love you till death and whatever the fuck comes after that, and thank you love.
ReplyDelete