With a pocket of stars and a head full of wishes, I will make these dreams come true.

Ew

So I'm sicker than I have been in a long time. Tfhis is the worst possible timing. I was up at 330 this morning, and went to the hospital with grandma at like 5. Until like 630. Then I went to school. I blamed everything on tiredness, until I was at rehearsal. So much fucking pain, and I couldn't stand up straight. Spent five minutes in the bathroom cause I was about to puke. Went home, focused on not dying while walking. Slept until like an hour ago. Dad's getting me medicine and I'm sleeping again. I can't see grandma tomorrow cause I'm sick. I have two quizzes tomorrow. A concert on Friday. ACT/MME next fucking week, and finals the week after that. This is so horribly timed. And I feel so infinitely miserable. I love my wonderful friends, seriously. You don't even know. And if I wasn't so sick, I'd be in like the happiest mood ever because they are wonderful. But, hopefully I'll be fine friday. This feels like the flu, and for me the flu never lasts long. Seriously, I haven't had the flu for longer than a few days in like years. Kinda lucky, and so I'm gonna convince my body to be better  by friday. Or I swear to god, I'm gonna kill it. We'll be fighting, let me tell you. Ha, okay, time to get ready to go sleep.

Big City Dreams

It's time to start dreaming again. I was always the kid with all these impossible dreams. In 5th grade through middle school, I dreamed big. I wanted to see the Ocean, and I did. I wanted to see Venice. Venice, Italy. Ha, like that was possible. I figured maybe ten years from now, if I'm lucky. No, I went to Europe right before 8th grade. I wanted to get out of my mother's house, and I did. I wanted to go to Chicago, and I did. Ride on a pirate-like ship. I did. I mean fuck. It's incomprehensible. I've made dreams come true, time and time again. Yet, somewhere along the way, I lost my ability to get it back. I stopped setting goals, stopped dreaming. But, I've started again. Some aren't likely, some are. But I'm listing them out. Not here, in my wonderful, now decorated moleskine. :D Paige gave me a silver sharpie. I wrote my favorite WiL Francis poem on the back, and Love on the front. I'll probably spontaneously add things as well. I have a purple pen to write with too. I love it. So yea, I haven't wrote on here in quite some time, I decided I should. I've been neglecting this blog a bit. But from now on, I'm setting goals, being productive, and dreaming. Big.

Absence

They have become puppets of ignorance.
They wear masks and bleed ink-filled hopelessness.
With eyes staring blankly, they see all lies.
Through the night they only hear woeful cries.
Smiles reflect grotesque imitations
That are void of any true sensations.
Striving for perfection, the fall away,
Believing they have nothing to say.

I wrote this in algebra 2 today, it isn't even finished. Sadly, it's the first thing I have written in ages. I haven't been capable of writing anything lately. I'm too busy searching for answers to questions that I keep trying to avoid. I usually have the answers, not all of them, but most. Lately, I have none. I'm so lost, and it's tearing me apart. I'm terrified. So much has happened, and it doesn't end. I'm terrified beyond all belief, of so many things. It's spinning out of hand. I wish I knew what to do, but I don't even know how to find the answers. This is tripping me up. Life is pulling the ground out from beneath my feet and I'm tumbling into a void that's unknown, and yet known. I just...I don't even know. I need to get away, far away, to go do some serious soul-searching. Completely off topic, I really want to do this law and csi program in D.C. that I got nominated for this summer, but I don't think if we can afford it. It's incredibly frustrating. This thing is so perfect for me. Can someone up there send me some answers, or at least make me feel a little less alone. I'll keep fighting and keep trying, but can I get some progress? Please. If not, can I at least get some adventure, acceptance, or a lessening of this loneliness? S'il vous plait. Anyway, I should get off.

Abuela

I thought I could handle this. Dad said it isn't hospice, but dear god. I can't do this. Not here. In my house. So many memories. All the oxygen, the hospital bed, I can't even touch you for a week without gloves, damnit. I've already been through this process so many times. And i've dealt with hospice twice. Sure, this isn't hospice but it sure as hell looks like it. I thought I could handle it, up until the ambulance brought you inside. On a stretcher. A fucking stretcher. And you smiled at us. But god I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I can't lose you grandma. We need you. This is awful, I don't know if I can do it. I can't breathe right now, not even a little. I can't do this. I can't. And I can't call my cousin, she doesn't need to worry while she's at school. So what the hell do I do? Make this stop, someone. Please. Don't do this. It's hitting me, and oh god all the past images from times before are flashing in my head. I need to calm down, I have to calm down. Oh god, please don't take her. I'm not ready for that. Seeing her like this is bad enough. And she's going to be here, in my house, every day. I just wanna throw my arms around her and kiss her. I can't. She's contagious for a week. Damn hospital giving her an infection. Everything was already bad enough. Fuck. Just fuck everything. And it's too cold and snowy to go for a walk, I'm gonna need out of this house a lot. Or I  might suffocate. I'm so scared. Okay.Okay, I can kinda breathe. Now just relax. It's gonna be okay Jaime.